


Give/Take

by aliceslantern



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Existential Crisis, Gender Dysphoria, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor canon divergence, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slow Burn, Trans Character, ienzo is trans, melody of memory spoilers, post Melody of Memory, some sexual content later down the road
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliceslantern/pseuds/aliceslantern
Summary: Ienzo has been too busy since the war to be overwhelmed by the past. But with little progress to be made in his work with Kairi, old nightmares start to invade.Riku is a glorified housesitter. Lonely and faced with no choice but to wait for a way to find his friends, he eagerly accepts when Ienzo asks him to help do repairs around the castle. Before long, the two strike up an unlikely friendship, united by their dark pasts and their attempts to be better people.But just as they begin to consider something more... Kairi wakes up.Ienzoku (Ienzo/Riku), post-Melody of Memory, slow burn. Updates Thursdays until it's done.
Relationships: Ienzo/Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi & Riku & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Zexion (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

Ienzo thought he had gotten over the strangeness of being back here. But it was one thing to work on decrypting Even’s replica data, another to work on examining a girl’s heart. 

With company.

The console was a sea of old papers and teacups. One of them had finally caved and dragged in chairs. While Ienzo’s knowledge of the heart had only grown over the years, he could scarcely remember how to  _ actually _ examine one, especially without hurting its owner. Translating the untranslatable into data and then having to translate  _ that  _ into something conveyable… it was a headache.

A loud, pounding headache. Not helped at all by the fact that Even liked to talk to himself why he worked.

Yes. Ienzo was not used to  _ company _ anymore.

He looked over his shoulder, if so just to stretch his eyes for a moment. Kairi was sound asleep. He got up and tucked the blanket a little more firmly around her shoulders. She would’ve been more comfortable in one of the pods, but to get to them one had to pass through the basement, and none of them were willing to bring that up. It was lucky most of the papers had been digitized all those years ago; nobody could actually manage to go down there.

He’d thought he’d been prepared. After all, he’d worked up here for weeks--longer. But actually putting in that code and walking down the long, long spiraling ramp, seeing the doors of cells--

Another pulse of pain echoed through his head, and he pressed a hand to his brow. “Alright, Ienzo?” Ansem asked.

He shook his head to clear away the headache. “My eyes are tired,” he said. “That’s all.”

“Why don’t you take a break? Get yourself some coffee? You’ve been in here since early this morning.”

“It’s alright.” When he went to sit back down, his knees were weak; he had to grip the back of the chair.

Ansem smiled sadly. “You cannot do your best work if you’re not rested. Go on, Ienzo.”

“And get some sleep,” Even snapped, not looking up. “You’re too young to look that exhausted.”

“Pot, kettle, black. Minus perhaps the youth.”

He scowled. Ienzo saw Ansem trying not to laugh. 

The hallways were dark and cold, despite best efforts to repair the shattered lighting. He walked back in a haze, his headache throbbing worse. He used to never be prone to such things. 

He saw Dilan in the distance. Neither he nor Aeleus wanted to join in the research, content enough to split their time on construction and guard duty; though it wasn’t like there was much to guard these days. Ienzo could not blame them. He actually envied them, their ability to just  _ leave _ behind that chapter of their lives. But Ienzo had been the one to volunteer his knowledge, after all. If so many lives had to be lost for what they learned, best to use it for good.

“Stray’s at the door for you,” he said. Rather than the deep blue guard uniform, he was in paint-spattered overalls. 

“I’ve told him he’s welcome to come right on up,” Ienzo said, shaking his head. “I don’t know why he always waits at the door.”

“It’s polite,” Dilan said, rolling his eyes. “Though I don’t recall that one being so polite in the past.” 

Ienzo shrugged. He didn’t want to think of that time if he could avoid it. Easier to treat Riku like a blank canvas, a stranger. Ienzo suspected that he might do the same. He gathered himself, loosened his ascot just slightly, and went outside.

“Riku. Hello. I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon.”

He looked a bit sheepish. “I know you said you’d call if you found out anything major--”

“Yes. That is true.” He tried for a smile, found it too difficult. “There’s nothing new yet. Nothing that we didn’t already guess, anyway.”

“...Right.” He dropped his eyes. In the past several weeks since they’d been doing all this, his hair had started to grow out of the brisk spikes and hung, ungelled, around his eyes. 

“I do hope you didn’t come all this way for this,” Ienzo said.

He shook his head. “The committee was helping me with something.”

“...Oh, Sora’s data?”

“Yes.”

“That actually sounds very interesting.”

He chuckled. “Honestly, it’s more like videogames than anything. It’s all just fight data. No memories.” He sighed.

“...Oh.”

An awkward pause. Ienzo had been trying not to look at Riku directly, focusing instead on his unkempt hair, which seemed more white than silver in this light. But actually seeing the young man’s face made him realize that Riku was exhausted too. “I shouldn’t keep you,” he said. “You seem like a busy person.”

“Will you go home, then?”

This seemed like the wrong thing to say; Riku tensed. “No, not home. Not yet.” He brushed at his bangs, but they just flopped back in his eyes. “I’ve been asked to keep an eye on the Land of Departure. Kind of like housesitting, to be honest.” A nervous smile. “I don’t mind it.”

“Land of Departure? You mean--”

Riku’s smile faded. “You know it as Castle Oblivion.”

A long, tremulous pause. Ienzo saw it without meaning to--the fight on the imaginary Destiny Islands, a brutal slash to the back, a  _ basement corner, Axel, the puppet’s hands closing around his throat-- _

“...You okay?”

He jerked a little. This Riku was not that Riku. He was older, taller, his voice a bit deeper. But the color of his eyes was the same. “I’m sorry,” he stammered.

“...I know. Lotta bad memories wrapped up in that place. But it’s… it’s not the same.”

“Logically I knew one came from the other, but…” Ienzo shook his head. 

Another pause, longer than the last.

“You, and me,” Riku said slowly. “If we’re going to be working closely with her,  _ for _ her… we can’t… skirt around it much, can we.”

“...I guess not. It doesn’t seem like starting over has been much help, yes?”

“Right. Look, I don’t… hold it against you.”

This surprised him. “You don’t? But--”

A sigh. “Look, I’ve also done things I regret. A lot of things. Holding onto all that… being mad at others, or myself… doesn’t help, and doesn’t make sticking to the new path any easier.” Riku shrugged. “You guys are trying to be better. That’s what matters.”

Riku’s words were evoking something sharp and tight in him. He wasn’t sure what it was. “You don’t have to forgive me.”

“I want to,” he said, and he seemed to mean it. “You don’t have to forgive me, either.”

“You did nothing wrong in that scenario. It’s different--” He felt a flush rising in his face. 

Riku shook his head. “Not really.”

Ienzo wasn’t sure what to say. The feeling threatened to strangle him--

“As much as I’d love to philosophize more on the meaning of darkness, I should get going,” he said, with a small smile. “Sorry for dropping by.”

“It’s… fine…” Ienzo said, dropping his eyes. “Safe travels.”

He watched Riku walk off, trying to swallow down the feeling. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. The memories here were bad enough, much less the ones there.

He went inside and decided to try and sleep. Ienzo had never been very good at sleep, not as Zexion, either. Nobodies did not require sleep; it was a much more voluntary process. As was eating and drinking water. The nothingness in their beings could sustain, if willed.

Humanity really felt so intense and so fragile, like he was a piece of glass being flung across the room, waiting for the fall. 

Ienzo decided to take a bath, as though the hot water would finally will him into submission. He did miss how  _ clean _ that castle was, how nothing was broken, how it didn’t take minutes for the water to warm. After the world’s fall, the majority of Radiant Garden--especially the castle--was in abject disrepair. When he was a child, it had taken a full staff to keep the place clean, well-kept, but it had been so--

Memories everywhere he turned. They just felt so--achingly  _ sharp. _ He didn’t want to think at all.

Ienzo took a deep breath and slid under the water, rendering the off-white tile into ripples. 

* * *

Riku was bored.

No; this was an understatement. The more time he spent here, alone, in the Land of Departure, the more he felt like his mind was turning to mush. The hallways were too wide and too empty, and everything was so  _ quiet. _ His own footsteps and breath seemed deafening in comparison. 

Riku was not used to quiet. If it weren’t for the whispering of Heartless, or the ambient sounds of busy and inhabited worlds, then there were other sounds, like the hush of waves in the distance. He could tell that he was the only person alive here. At first he’d tried to convince himself he liked the peace.

The peace just made him aware of how empty everything was, and how alone he was. At least if he’d been alone on his quests in the past, he had a goal, something to word towards, and in a way that goal hadn’t changed; bringing his friends home safe.  _ Going back to normal. _ But normal hadn’t been so great either, had it? He’d been so eager to escape it, that so-called prison.

But right now… there wasn’t much for Riku to do to help achieve that goal. All he had to do was  _ wait _ .

Riku had never been that good at waiting. For several days he roamed the grounds around the castle, looking for Heartless or Nobodies or Dream Eaters or Unversed or  _ something _ to fight, some small evil to purge or free. But it was clear that there was nothing here, nothing to give him diversion from how utterly useless he felt.

So much for being a Keyblade master. His title felt silly, useless. He was literally just _house sitting._ For all his supposed power, he couldn’t help Kairi in her sleep or Sora… wherever he was.

_ If he was at all. _

Riku forced the thought from his mind and got up from the bed in the room he’d been sleeping in. Terra had said to make himself comfortable, and there did seem to be a whole lot more unoccupied space for Keybearing students. But still, using someone else’s space made him… uneasy. He even wished he had something to  _ clean _ , but in one of her many small notes left to him, Aqua had said there were spells that banished grime, and not to worry about it. (It had been kind of funny, though, the first time he spilled some tea; it disappeared into nothing.) 

It was clear this place had been a home, some eleven years ago. Riku allowed himself to explore a few rooms a day, aware that, unlike in Castle Oblivion, the space here was finite. It would end. If he wasted it all in one big sweeping day of exploration, then what?

It’d be… just quiet. Just him.

He tried to structure his days. Wake up at a certain time, eat at a certain time, train for a certain amount of time. The spinning rings in the courtyard were useful (and made him question what, exactly, they were made out of), but even they were designed for students.

(Try to ignore the nightmares, of that strange city, of Sora, nightmares that faded into nothing as soon as he tried to understand them--)

He tried to read, to study magic with some of Aqua’s many, many spellbooks, but the theory was hopelessly complicated for his already-foggy mind. He kept thinking of Kairi, lying prone in that small white chair. It had been  _ weeks _ , how come those scientists didn’t have anything new to say--

Patience. Breathe.

Riku got up and started walking.

If he squinted hard, he could see places where aspects of Castle Oblivion had come from. The moulding here. The planter there. The pattern of the wallpaper in some rooms. 

Bringing it up had clearly made Ienzo uncomfortable. That had been a dumb, tactless thing to say. And truthfully… when Riku saw those pieces of that place here… his memories burned too. The darkness had crawled up inside of him, threatening to burrow deep and take over. That burning, aching feeling, its weight, its pressure. The inexorable rush of power when it broke through during those battles.

He looked at his palm. That burn didn’t feel the same anymore. He wasn’t sure it would ever go  _ away _ , but the temptation had changed, become something he could utilize. Like turning on a faucet versus a crack in a dam. 

He wondered if the former Organization members felt the same, or if they’d felt the same pull to darkness to begin with. He realized he could just  _ ask _ , but then remembering how stricken Ienzo had looked, realized equally he  _ couldn’t _ . But what about DiZ--Ansem the Wise? Had he felt the same? The old man seemed more approachable, despite the fact that Riku knew the dark side of him too. 

Such complicated bedfellows. They did seem to… want to be better people.

He’d heard the stories from Leon about what happened in the basement labs. And he’d seen what they were capable of in Castle Oblivion, and the World that Never Was, and…

What of the things  _ he _ could’ve done, if he hadn’t fought Ansem--the Heartless one? If it hadn’t been for Sora--

Sora. If not for Sora, and Kairi and Mickey, he could’ve ended up on that wrong path for longer, too.

Riku missed his friends. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo and Ansem have an honest conversation about his time as Zexion. Riku is restless.

Ienzo thought often about sleep. Most of his days were preoccupied with sleep, and hearts, and trying to remember what he had studied years ago. In the intervening years in the Organization, he had cared less about hearts and more about  _ Kingdom _ Hearts.

Hearts. Sleep. Old men passive-aggressively jabbing at each other.

His hands were on the keyboard, and he saw code slowly and steadily ticking in. Code he should subsequently be  _ de _ coding. But he… felt… 

Ansem’s hand on his shoulder startled him, making him gasp aloud like a startled animal. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Ienzo shook the fuzz out of his eyes, his heart still pounding in his chest, adrenaline making him shaky. All of these human reactions were so sensorily  _ intense _ . “It’s… it’s alright. I was the one far away.”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” He stood, feeling woozy. “I’m…” He pressed two fingers to his brow, trying to hide the dizziness. 

“How long have you been here?” Ansem asked softly. 

Ienzo blinked, and realized, “I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you go get some rest?”

“I don’t need rest, I need to keep working through this.” He scowled. “It doesn’t help that my memory of coding is hazy at best--”

“Then why don’t you let me help you? I can give you a refresher on the basics.” He smiled kindly, and Ienzo felt an unexpected stab of memory--sitting as a small child on Ansem’s lap as he taught him the very basics of HTML, his eyes gleaming with pride at Ienzo’s first project (a page that simply said “HELLO!”). 

But then, equally… his eyes flicked over to the closed door to the lab, the one he’d begged Ansem to finalize. And he was reminded for the millionth time that this was his fault. 

“Would that help?” Ansem prompted.

He shook his head to dismiss the memories. “Yes. Yes, that would be prudent.”

“When was the last time you slept?” Ansem asked.

“I’m fine.”

He frowned. 

“Really. I’m fine.”

There was a pause. Ansem knotted his hands together. “Naminé once told me that Nobodies do not need sleep. Is that true?”

Ienzo’s eyebrows shot up. Ansem hadn’t brought up the reality of their pasts--namely, the ten years he and Even had been Nobodies. “Yes, it’s true,” he said. “One physiologically  _ can _ , of course, but it is not necessary to live.”

Ansem pursed his lips. “Does it feel… odd, to return to those needs, then?”

Ienzo considered, woozily. “Yes, it does,” he admitted. “I feel like I’m losing a lot of time from my day.”

He opened his mouth, closed it, then finally said, “do you like being human again?”

“Well, I had no say in the matter,” he said, “but it is… better than being the monster I was. I…” He rested his hand on his chest, feeling the pound of his heart. “I like having choice.”

Ansem smiled. “I’m sure you must.”

Ienzo exhaled. “I’ve done a great many awful things,” he said. “I wasn’t… a passive captive. Were it not for Saїx’s machinations, I likely would’ve been second in command. I… cared for their goals. I  _ wanted  _ it.”

Ansem cocked his head. “To be whole?”

“I don’t  _ think _ so.” Ienzo squinted, trying to remember how it had felt to be Zexion. “In pursuit of… knowledge. Of growth of the Organization. I’m… I’m sorry.” Guilt hardened into a sour seed in his stomach, making him nauseous. “I’m so sorry.”

Ansem digested this, his eyes going somewhere distant and sad. “It says a lot about who you  _ truly _ are, that the moment you were whole again, you chose the path of light,” he said gently. 

“It does not feel that way.”

“I’m sure,” he said. “But we’ve all done things we regret. There’s no changing the past, as paltry as that sounds. Helping Kairi, and ergo, Sora and Riku… is a good first step.”

“I’m not sure it will ever be enough.”

“You can’t help how you grew up,” Ansem said. “In darkness, in nothing, manipulated, I’m sure, by them. You were just a boy. You said so yourself. How old were you, Ienzo?”

“Just shy of nine,” he said, not wanting to make eye contact. 

“Precisely. A brilliant child… but still a child.”

“But what of--when I grew older? When I  _ should _ have known better?”

Ansem squeezed his shoulder a second time. “By then you already believed.”

“I’m not innocent. I… the things I’ve done…” He exhaled. “I cannot simply absolve myself of guilt. I… I don’t  _ want _ to.”

“I do hope that someday you can forgive yourself,” Ansem said. “You’re too young to live with such a heavy heart.”

“I think it is earned,” Ienzo said.

Ansem sighed. 

“I’m going to go try to sleep for a few hours,” he said. “I’m sorry to leave this all in your lap.”

“It’s quite alright. I don’t mind.”

Ienzo wasn’t sure what else to say, so he started walking back to his room. He thought about what Ansem had said. His heart did feel heavy--quite literally. But how could he just… move on and have a normal life after everything he’d done? He didn’t know of anyone who’d messed up as colossally as he had. Wouldn’t it be  _ wrong _ ? Masturbatory, so to speak? Where was his karmic payback? Why had he gotten this wholeness so many craved so dearly? He didn’t even  _ want _ \--

There had to be some way to silence the noise in his head. 

Ienzo took a quick shower, put on some pajamas, and climbed into bed. His bedroom felt more cluttered and cramped than he remembered, the window by his double bed drafty. The overburdened bookcase was packed two and three deep, the rolltop desk flooded with yet more papers. He should clean and organize, remove the very last of his childhood things; there was still kid’s clothing in some of his dresser’s drawers. 

His mind was swimming hopelessly with memories of the Organization’s plans to take down worlds--

Somehow, Ienzo fell into a restless sleep.

He recognized this dream, this nightmare. The tight, dark corners of the basement of Castle Oblivion. A redheaded demon, a boy in a black-and purple jumpsuit. A sharp glove at his throat, the tight heat of darkness swallowing him, and he couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe--

Ienzo sat up. Slowly. He touched the scar at the base of his throat, thick and ridged. It was the darkness, not the replica’s sharp gloves, that had left this mark on him. Tears burned his eyes. He felt pathetic, weak, for being in the grip of this memory. It was  _ over with.  _ It was the least of what he’d deserved. 

Human. 

He thought of the dizzy spin of those first few moments after he’d woken, on the cold lab floor, bleeding from the marks around his throat. How the swelling had made it feel like he couldn’t breathe, still, how everything felt like it was echoing loudly around him, his heart like a weight in his chest. Trying to push himself up, seeing Even and Dilan’s brutalized forms, Aeleus trying not to show how much pain he, too, was in. Being the least injured, it had been up to Ienzo to try and tend to their wounds. At least he’d had the foresight to study medicine in the Organization. 

And truthfully, even though it had been nearly two months back in this body, with this heart, Ienzo… still was not used to humanity, the pulse and pound of unexpected emotions. Once he couldn’t get open a jar of peanut butter for his breakfast toast and the anger he felt when he struggled was so overwhelming he’d just thrown the damn thing. But more than anything he felt a guilt so thick it was like lead, and an anxiety he could never fully set this right. 

He looked at the clock. He’d slept about five hours, which he supposed after that nightmare was all he’d get. He was feeling nauseous and achy again, shaky with low blood sugar.  _ So much time I must spend doing maintenance on this body.  _ It seemed almost like a waste. 

But he needed to stay alive. To help, to atone. 

Ienzo got up and went to the kitchen.

* * *

Riku couldn’t take the silence anymore. It was almost making him jumpy, and after so long without human interaction, he thought he was starting to hear sounds that weren’t there. The dizzy nightmares of that city didn't help. He wondered if he should tell Ienzo and the others about it; but every time he tried to remember fine details, all he could recall was the deep blue color of the sky. Not helpful.

If not for the gummiphone, Riku would’ve lost track of time, too. Ienzo had told him how to use it, but he still struggled a bit with the interface. But, he figured, if  _ Sora _ , who had nearly failed their high school computer literacy course, could grasp it, so could he.

Sora.

Riku felt something like a stab of pain. It felt like it had been a long time since he’d seen him, since they’d gotten to do more than chat for a few minutes. Kairi, too, he’d barely gotten to speak with at the beach during their brief victory party. At least he knew she was--physically--okay. 

He felt so… alone.

He took a deep breath in and let it out, slowly.  _ I’m not alone, _ he forced himself to think.  _ Even if it feels that way. Our hearts are connected. _

That didn’t make the silence any less piercing.

Riku got up. He had to go get some laundry, make himself something to eat. At least this was  _ something _ he could do. 

He wondered if it were too soon to go back to Radiant Garden. He knew Ienzo said he’d call the moment something came up, but maybe Cid had something new, or maybe there were even some Heartless to fight.  _ Something. Someone. _

“Oh god, I’m losing my mind,” he said out loud. He took out the gummiphone and looked down at its screen. It was still set to the generic background it came with, mostly because he didn’t know how to change it. With clumsy thumbs, he opened the text messaging app and started to write. The keyboard felt awkward in his hands.

_ Mickey, _

_ I hope your journey with Donald and Goofy is going well. I’m guessing it must be good to spend time with them again. How’s the Queen?  _

_ I’ve been staying in the Land of Departure. Terra asked me to, but I think it’s partially because he wanted me to feel like I had an official duty as a Keyblade master. Mostly it’s just housesitting. If you ever have time, you three should come by. It’s a lot prettier than Castle Oblivion. It feels more alive. _

_ The Radiant Garden guys are still hard at work studying Kairi’s heart, so she’s been asleep. They warned me it might take a long time. I still wish there was something I could do, but the power of waking won’t help in this case. So they say, anyway. I don’t really understand it fully myself.  _

_ If there’s anything I can do to make your journey any easier, let me know. Take care of yourselves out there. _

_ \--Riku _

This written, it didn’t make Riku  _ feel _ any less alone. More like he was speaking out into nowhere. He went and finished his chores, worked out for a little while. When he came back there was a response.

_ Howdy Riku! _

_ Great to hear from ya! The Queen and Daisy are both doing great. We actually got to talk to them last night--love these nifty gadgets! If only we’d had them years ago… can you thank Ienzo for them the next time you see him? Chip and Dale also say hello to you both.  _

_ So far we’re doing our best to find more information about Sora, but so far there are no leads that I can tell, anyway, and you know how sharp Goofy is looking for these things. This all got so complicated… but I have hope that we’ll all be together soon! _

_ I hope you’re not getting too stir crazy up in there. If you like, the Queen says you’re welcome to visit any time. And if we’re in the area I’m sure we’ll drop by! I hope staying there isn’t too hard on you. _

_ Thanks for writing! Speak soon. _

_ \--Mickey. _

Riku exhaled. He was positive he was reading too much into the tone of the letter. Mickey was never condescending towards him. Every word he’d written, he’d meant. 

Maybe Riku  _ should _ get out of here. He could thank Ienzo, for one thing, maybe help with some Heartless there, or the restoration committee was always working on some project or another. Get his hands dirty, like the work he used to do on the play island--

He was used to the accompanying stab of pain he got when he thought of them, but it didn’t make it any easier. Yes. Riku very much needed to get out of here.

* * *

It was raining in Radiant Garden when Riku got in. It washed away the rest of the gel in his hair, making it fall hopelessly into his eyes, and he kept trying to blow it out of his face. The haircut had been a spur-of-the-moment decision, something to get rid of that old self, but this current in-between length was unbearable. He didn’t want to think about spikes or spiky hair. (The fact that he’d run out of hair gel was also besides the point.) He wandered the streets for a time. Just seeing other people was nice, made him remember he was real.

The slope up to the entrance of the castle was muddy in the deluge.  _ At least I’ll have an excuse to do laundry when I get back, _ he thought. One of the guards--he didn’t remember their names yet, and decided he really should--waved him in. “Try not to track  _ mud _ all over the place,” he said, rolling his eyes. 

Riku washed off his shoes with a water spell and kept walking. The place was always dank and damp in the best of circumstances, but today it was downright cold. He shivered and wished he knew air magic, something to dry himself off. Oh well. He’d had worse recently than being  _ a little cold and wet. _

The path up to the lab was very much familiar now. He saw places where the people here were trying to repair all the structural issues; the moldy carpeting torn up, the fallen pipes cleared away. The circular office before the lab had been cleaned up too; the bits of broken glass were finally gone.

Riku saw them before they saw him. He observed them for a few minutes, in their long white coats and oddly formal scarves. He tried not to audibly shiver, his hair sending droplets onto the floor. 

“All looks… very much  _ ordinary _ , from what we’ve been able to decipher,” the one formerly known as Vexen was saying. “Would help if I could understand your shorthand.”

Riku saw a scowl cross Ienzo’s face, the first mean expression he’d seen on the young man since they’d met again. He thought of Zexion, all claws and cruelness and teeth. “My  _ shorthand _ is up-to-date. It’s not my fault your knowledge of coding has fallen by the wayside.”

“Boy, I have more  _ important _ things to do--”

“Like what? Is this not our priority?”

“ _ She _ is our priority. Keeping up with some language is not.”

“Your sniping does not help either,” Ansem the Wise added. He went over to the console computer, punched some things in, and shook his head. “Though I agree with Ienzo that we should all at the very least be on the same page.”

Ienzo’s smirk became a hesitant smile. 

Then, “I think we can  _ all _ use a crash course.”

The smile became a scowl again. Riku chuckled despite himself. So the politeness was partially an act. Good to know. He crossed over into the hallway, letting his footsteps make more noise than earlier. Their heads snapped up; Even seemed to struggle to get his expression to be neutral, while Ansem offered a kindly smile. Ienzo’s face simply went blank, and Riku felt an odd surge of jealousy for his control over his emotion. “Oh, hello, Riku. We weren’t expecting you,” he said.

“I’m sorry just to drop by like this,” he said, feeling a blush color his face. “But I was wondering if--” Seeing their faces fall just slightly, “there’s… no news, is there?”

Ienzo took a few steps closer to him. He always seemed to be a little… cautious, in the way he moved around Riku. Could this really be about the bad blood in their past? “I’m very sorry, but no. No significant change.”

He glanced over towards Kairi, still fast asleep in the chair. He noted that at least they’d given her a blanket. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s being kept very comfortable, I assure you,” Ienzo said. “Neurological functioning is the way it should be.”

He crossed his arms, trying to suppress the shivering; it was even colder in here. “Could I… can I go up to her? It won’t interrupt anything, will it?”

Ienzo shook his head. “She’s too deeply asleep to be disturbed by our voices. Though perhaps--” Looking him over and wrinkling his nose. “You might like a towel?”

Riku looked at his palms. His wrist braces were awkwardly wet, and he knew they’d take hours to dry out. “Sorry. It’s, uh, raining.”

He nodded. “Come with me.”

He followed Ienzo. He was only the slightest bit taller than Riku now, but his strides seemed long, quick and precise, the white coat flaring out. “If you’d like, I can get you something dry to wear,” he said. “We’re probably about the same size.”

The idea of dry clothes was appealing, but the idea of wearing something of  _ Ienzo’s _ made him feel, well, pretty weird. “No, that’s okay, thanks,” he said. “I’m probably gonna head out before too long anyway.”

“I imagine you must be quite busy.” Ienzo opened a door to a very average linen closet and pulled out a white towel. Riku  _ did _ feel much better with it around his shoulders. 

He just shrugged in response. They started walking back. 

“If you’re worried about her health, she’s in quite good hands,” Ienzo said. “I… understand why you might be hesitant.”

“It’s… not that.” Not entirely. “I just…”

“Worry about your friends?” Ienzo prompted. “I can imagine. Yes, it’s been… a rather tectonic year or so.”

“We’ve all been separated on and off since our world fell,” he said, feeling a stab of guilt. “Though that was… kind of my fault. Not kind of. It  _ was _ .”

Ienzo’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that so?”

“I know, I know. Some hero, right?” he forced himself to laugh. 

“I… know that feeling exactly.” Ienzo cleared his throat. “Were it not for all we’ve done here… well.” He sighed. “We cannot… change the past. Not without a lot of nonsense.”

Riku smiled a little despite the heaviness of the conversation. “It almost feels… fake, how all this happened. When I heard about the… vessels, and the time travel, I was just like…  _ are you kidding me? _ ”

Ienzo chuckled. “I think we all had that reaction. Even  _ I _ cannot comprehend what exactly he was planning to do--and I was part of some of it.”

Riku thought about that laugh for a moment, how different it sounded than Zexion’s. More human, softer. Then again, the boy next to him  _ was _ human. Trying to be better.  _ Aren’t we all, _ he thought, wryly. 

Back in the lab, he crossed over to Kairi and took her hand, hoping his wasn’t too cold. Her breathing was deep and even, and she looked peaceful. He wondered if she actually felt that way, what the “examination” made her feel. He almost asked, but Ansem and Even seemed to be deep into some conversation he couldn’t understand, and Ienzo seemed distracted, his brows furrowed. “So, uh,” he began slowly. “How’s the Heartless population around here?”

He looked up, startled. “The claymore defense system manages it quite well,” he said, with a touch of defensiveness. “Though I guess there might be a few hanging around the edges of town.”

“Gotcha,” he said. “Well. I’m going to go check in with the committee. But before I go. Um. The King said thank you for the gummiphone. And that Chip and Dale said hello.”

“Of course,” he said, his expression again quite neutral. “That was kind of them.”

Riku took off his damp towel and folded it. He left the castle and went back out into the rain. If anything, the deluge had gotten heavier, to the point where his left wrist (which had never quite healed correctly) was throbbing. Ienzo had been right about the Heartless; the few ones in the center of town were easily dispatched without him even having to draw his Keyblade. Riku found himself scowling. Logically, he knew that the system was fantastic for the civilians here. But it took from him the only thing he  _ could _ do to be of use. As it grew darker, he wandered farther and farther into the fissures surrounding town, where he finally found something worth fighting.

He tried to vent his frustration into these Heartless, especially at his own uselessness. He was a Keyblade  _ master _ , and all he could do was beat up a few mooks, was  _ wait around _ for things to happen. He hated feeling like this; it was so like the old days on the island. At least this time he wouldn’t do something so off-the-walls  _ stupid _ like let a creep in a robe persuade him to do what they wanted.

No, instead he was fighting Heartless. Alone. In the rain.

By the time he’d fought the last one in the vicinity, it was dark, and he could no longer suppress the shaking. “Idiot,” he said out loud. The clothes might protect him from darkness, but they wouldn’t protect him from the common cold. He should go back to the Land of Departure, take a hot bath, make himself some soup, and go to bed.

Riku went deeper into the fissures.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku gets sick, which ends up having worse consequences than it should.

Ienzo tucked another blanket around Kairi. The air in here was quite cold--despite the oncoming winter, the AC was running to keep their equipment happy. He knew she couldn’t feel anything, but he hoped the position she was in wasn’t uncomfortable. They’d done the best with what they had.

It was getting dark, but there wasn’t anything for dinner in the castle; as in, they’d even eaten all of the auxiliary cans of soup. It might be nice to stretch his legs. He put on his raincoat, picked up an umbrella, and set off.

He thought that shopping would irritate him, being another one of those necessary human activities. But he actually found it quite soothing. The food here seemed fresher, richer than what he was used to. He picked up what they needed for a few days and started to head back. It really was raining rather heavily, making him a bit jumpy in the early evening, despite the bright flashlight of his gummiphone. He still had magic, but that didn’t mean he wanted to  _ use _ it. 

In the darkness of the construction site, he thought he saw a figure. He tensed, trying to find that magic, only to see that it was “Riku?” Still in the rain, without a proper coat. “I suppose you found something to fight, then?”

“...You could say that.” His voice was unsteady, and Ienzo thought he saw him shaking. 

“Have you been out here in the cold this entire time?”

“I’m alright,” he stuttered.

“I can both see and hear you shivering.”

“I’m really fine.”

Ienzo frowned. He knew that line through and through. The last thing he needed was for Riku to collapse on them. “Why don’t you come inside and get dry and warm?”

“No, it’s alright. I’ll go--back to the castle.”

“You shouldn’t leave while it’s dark.”

He squinted at Ienzo. There was a flush in his face. “I’ll really be okay.”

“...And it’s not pouring buckets,” Ienzo said dryly. “We have the room and frankly, you look like you feel ill.”

Riku trembled, clearly trying to come up with an excuse.

Ienzo sighed. “You want to run yourself into the ground, fine. But neither Kairi nor I appreciate it. It won’t help make you feel better, that’s for sure.”

“W-why? You b-been there?”

Ienzo chuckled. “Between my reformation and Demyx’s delivery of the replica for Roxas, I don’t think I slept more than an hour a night. And then I crashed in front of Aeleus and it was  _ very _ humiliating.” He twirled his umbrella. “So really, I’m trying to help you save face, here.”

Riku considered. “W-well if you put it like that.”

He bobbed his head towards the door. “Come on, then.”

Unfortunately the only extra bedroom that was in any livable shape was the one that had belonged to Xehanort. Ienzo gathered some clean sheets and extra blankets for Riku, who was still shivering rather insistently. 

“I’ll bring you something dry to wear,” he said. 

“You don’t h-have to, I’m sure once I get dry I--”

“Riku, if I let you stay in those wet clothes then I may end up getting the rest of us sick. I’m making soup for dinner. I do hope you’ll come eat it.” He told him briefly where the kitchen and bathroom were. 

“I’d hate to intrude--”

“The only thing I particularly  _ hate _ right now is that you’re refusing help when you clearly need it. It’s fine. We  _ want _ you to be comfortable.” Insofar as he could be here, anyway. 

He dropped his eyes. “...Thanks.”

“It is the least I can do.” He nodded once, curtly. “Dilan gets upset if dinner is not served precisely at seven-thirty. You better be there.”

“Or w-what?”

Ienzo cocked his head. He didn’t know what that tone meant, other than the fact it made his heart skip a little. Nerves? Discomfort? Indigestion? “Then I’m afraid you’ll miss my gourmet cooking, which is a shame for you,” he replied, equally. “Get changed. Quit procrastinating.” He shut the door on Riku before he could protest further, and tried not to ponder the nervous little seed that was now growing in his chest.

It had been a while since he’d had banter with-- _ anyone _ , and fighting with Even didn’t count _. _ They were all too busy walking on eggshells around each other. That was why, right? A friendly moment with someone who was nigh-identical to his murderer?

Ienzo shook his head and went to start the soup. He enjoyed the neat order of cooking, its innate harmlessness. They’d been taking turns cooking for everyone; Dilan was a good cook, Aeleus passable. Even couldn’t do much more than boil pasta, nor did he care to do more. Ansem preferred to “support local business” and get takeout. He kept chopping vegetables, making his broth, readying bits of beef. It’d take some time to simmer, so he tried to catch up on his coding on a tablet. 

Ienzo was starting to get sick of numbers.

* * *

Riku was starting to get sick. He felt it.  _ That was dumb, _ he thought, wincingly. While a warm shower and the blankets on the bed helped with the worst of the shivering, it was only just beginning, an ache in his bones. A potion might at least help him be functional, but one was  _ all _ the way across the room in the pocket of his pants, which were drying on the radiator. 

This room reminded him too much of the one Maleficent had given him the last time he’d stayed here. The furniture was the same style, the walls the same green. He wondered dizzily if this  _ was _ that room, but this one had a window and the other had not.

Ienzo had left him a set of linen pajamas, but knowing who they belonged to nearly kept him from putting them on--at least until the bone-deep cold reinvaded. He huddled under the three or four blankets he’d been given.

_ Nice one, idiot, _ he thought. He’d known that fighting in the rain was a bad idea, but he’d done it  _ anyway _ , and now he was out of commission for at least a few hours, until the dizziness faded enough for him to travel-- not  _ home _ , but to the place he’d been living. 

It seemed to take a long time, but finally, finally the shivering stopped. The bed wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as he’d thought, and he found himself drifting, trying desperately to stay awake.  _ The soup. He’ll be mad if I don’t eat the soup. _ The notion of trying to stomach something just made him feel nauseous. Riku tried to sit up, but the wave of vertigo that overcame him was so intense he had to lay right back down.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible to fall asleep… 

Riku dreamt.

_ The buildings and alleys of a city in the rain, full of bright pulsing neon and he was searching, so desperately, so desperately, for Sora, and time was running out-- _

The dream warped and changed.

The castle had seemed darker then, its smell muskier, Heartless wandering the place in droves. He’d hear them fighting each other as he tried to sleep; he remembered that being surprising. At first the pulse and pull of darkness inside of him had felt exhilarating, like he could do anything, like he was unstoppable. 

Then he started blacking out. 

The loss of time had been a few seconds, minutes at most, like he’d simply zoned out or lost his train of thought. But slowly, over the course of those days, Ansem’s grip on him tightened, and the minutes became hours, and he’d be left in the darkness of his own heart, a sensation that threatened to drown him if he didn’t consciously fight it moment for moment. It had burned, felt hot, and now and again he could twitch his own fingers, take a few hesitant steps in his own body. Even once Ansem had theoretically been purged from him, he still felt that pull, itching, aching, not helped at all when it was quite literally awoken.

Castle Oblivion wasn’t dark. It was bright, white, piercing, despite the fact that it was underground and had no windows. The only darkness came from the Heartless, from the shadowy figures that lurked within--

“Riku?”

_ I know who I am. _

_ When did that happen? You were always terrified of the dark before-- _

“...Right. I see. I’ll leave it here for you.”

A clink of metal and glass, a cool hand touching his forehead--

_ Then I shall make you see that your hopes are nothing but a mere illusion! _

Riku grasped Zexion’s wrist hard, and heard a startled cry. A lamp light clicked on.

Not Zexion.

In his hazy state, it took him a long, long moment to realize what had happened. The walls of the room were wobbly. Ienzo was clutching his wrist, gasping and breathing hard. “I-I’m sorry,” Riku stammered. “I didn’t mean--are you hurt?”

But Ienzo didn’t respond. His head was bowed low, and his grip had shot up to his throat. Riku tried to reach towards him--

“Do  _ not _ .” The words were harsh, almost animal--  _ with panic _ , Riku realized dizzily. “Don’t touch me, don’t--” He choked for breath for a moment longer before he darted from the room.

Perhaps it was the fever, but Riku reeled with confusion. Their battle, to his knowledge, had been tough but ultimately  _ mutual. _ Why was Ienzo reacting this way? 

Either way, he’d messed up  _ again _ , and he felt too awful to try and make more sense of it. He saw that Ienzo had brought him some of the soup, and some tea and medicine, and the guilt only tightened. 

His exhausted mind swept him back under.

* * *

Riku woke with a jolt. He wasn’t sure if the fever had broken or not; he was uncomfortably sweaty in all these layers. He could tell he’d been having dreams, intense, difficult ones, but they all dissolved in the morning light.

Lying on his side, he saw the abandoned soup bowl, the now-cold tea and medicine. A stab of remorse made his stomach clench. In that moment the fever really  _ had _ made him think Zexion was attacking him, but that didn’t make hurting him any more right. 

And--squinting hard--had that grip made Ienzo  _ panic _ ? Why?

Either way, Riku had a lot of apologizing to do. He warmed what he’d been left with a spell and ate, the prickles of guilt getting worse. 

His clothing was dry by now, so he got dressed and folded up everything he’d used. He was still a bit shaky, but he’d be fine enough to get back to the Land of Departure. He hardly ever got sick like that. But he hadn’t been able to sleep well lately, and there was the cold and the rain, and he probably wasn’t eating well either. He’d run himself into the ground. Riku had to get better control of this, if so just to prevent all this from happening again.

He set off to find Ienzo, his heart beating hard with anxiety.  _ Just say sorry. Just say sorry. _ There had to be something he could do. He hoped he hadn’t hurt him; he knew too well the ache of broken bones. 

He headed back to the lab, trying not to talk himself out of it. He mentally rehearsed what he had to say--  _ you were so kind, I acted completely out of turn-- _ but when he got there, Ienzo wasn’t even in the room.

“Good morning, Riku,” Even said, and Riku wondered if he was imagining the coolness in his voice. “I see you’re up and about.”

“I’m so sorry about yesterday. Thank you for letting me stay.” He cleared his throat. 

“I don’t think any of us are strangers to overwork,” Ansem said. “You’re welcome here any time.”

He dropped his eyes. “...Thanks. Um. Where’s Ienzo? I wanted to thank him for the dinner.”

Again, that stab of paranoia--was the pause too long? “He had a few things to tend to in town, I believe,” Even said. “But I will pass on the message.”

“...Oh. Thanks.” He looked back at Kairi, still deeply asleep. Would she be ashamed of him? “I guess I should… head out, if there’s nothing I can help with here.”

“I don’t believe so,” Even said, without looking up.

“Take care,” Ansem said, with that same old man smile.

Riku returned to the Land of Departure, to the silence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo tells Riku about what happened after their fight at Castle Oblivion. With nothing else to do, Riku helps with castle repairs, and has a conversation with Aeleus.

For a while after he ran out of Riku’s room like a coward, Ienzo struggled to breathe. He remained sitting against the wall, curled up, adrenaline shocking him in little waves. He hated this sensation, how it robbed him of his self-control--

Breathe in. Breathe out. Riku hadn’t even gone for his throat, but rather his wrist, and only because Ienzo had touched him while he was dead asleep--

_ Redheaded demon and a puppet and the dark corner sharp hurt burning-- _

_ I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. _ He traced the soft scarred flesh with one hand, loosened the ascot at his throat.  _ I can breathe. That was a memory. It wasn’t real. _ A flush of embarrassment came to his face when he thought of the strangled, animal sound he’d made.  _ Pathetic. _

Ienzo forced himself to his feet. He pulled back the sleeve of his jacket. There was a red mark where Riku had gripped him, and likely later a bruise; but he wasn’t significantly injured. Both of his hands were trembling uncontrollably.  _ Get it together. _ Riku hadn’t  _ meant _ to hurt him-- he’d probably taken that whole interaction to heart--

But the thought of going back to him right now and  _ explaining,  _ patiently,  _ why _ he’d had that reaction, only made him feel nauseous. He tried to turn his mind back to the work, but he kept getting pulled and pulled into the basement, into an itchy achy helplessness.

Ienzo started walking, and walking, as if he could physically get away from the memory. He was so tense his teeth hurt, and his chest was hot and tight from his shallow breathing. He pulled the ascot from around his throat and undid the top buttons of his shirt, but it didn’t help ease the sensation much.

Breathe. 

He found himself in the main library, which had once been beautiful but was now in serious disrepair. The collections were disorganized, the recessed lighting cracked and in need of new bulbs. Heartless had shattered several of the shadowboxes, and some of the paintings on the walls were torn. Ienzo reached up and brushed his fingers along the canvas of one. This portrait had evidently been of his adoptive great-grandmother, but anything resembling a face was ribbons of cloth and oil paint. He moved around a bit shamblingly, his body feeling heavy and strange now that the adrenaline was fading. He sank wearily into his favorite armchair, picked up his abandoned novel, and started to read.

It took hours for his heart to stop pounding.

* * *

A few weeks passed, tremulously. Perhaps a month, maybe longer; Ienzo’s concept of time was hazy at best. The winter got deeper, colder; they kept working with Kairi. While the light of her heart sustained her physical form, kept her warm and nourished and prevented atrophy, he still felt a stab of guilt that they were not finishing their examination faster. Sixteen years was a lot of memory, a lot to unpack and try to understand, and of course there was the curveball that she was a princess of heart. They all worked as long and as hard as they physically could, but it was still taking much, much too long.

Riku didn’t drop by as much, and Ienzo realized one day that he hadn’t been here since he’d gotten sick. Was this because of the way he’d acted? He knew he should apologize--

For what? An involuntary reaction?

Ienzo considered how he might feel if the opposite were true, if someone had woken  _ him _ in the grips of a feverish nightmare. He should be glad he’d had little more than bruises, than a panic attack. He would’ve probably done much worse to his own attacker. (He kept a kitchen knife in his bedside table. It was the only thing that helped him feel safe with the nightmares.) He almost wrote Riku several times, but each time managed to find an excuse not to complete the note. A phone call, an urgent task to be completed. This shouldn’t bother him so much; he wasn’t the one at fault. Neither of them really were.

Finally, one snowy day, Riku came back. “I’m sorry for dropping by,” he said, his usual greeting. Ienzo noted with relief that he at least seemed to have adequate winter clothing. “Any… news?”

Ienzo cleared his throat a little. “Not much, I’m afraid. We’re making as much progress as we can.”

He took a few steps closer to Kairi. Ienzo recognized that glint in his eye; loneliness, and to a degree longing. It was the very same sort of look that his Nobody had preyed on. 

He wondered if Riku spoke to his other friends.

“Do you…” Ienzo almost stopped himself. “Do you have a moment? To discuss something?” Even gave him an odd look, but Ienzo just glared at him.

“Uh--sure. Yeah. I’ve got a little time.”

“Excellent. I was wanting some tea anyway. Right then.” There was a kettle in the office; Ienzo switched it on. “What kind of tea would you like?”

“Uh--whatever you’re having, I guess. I don’t care.”

They sat down at Ansem’s old desk. Riku’s hair had gotten still longer, just barely brushing his shoulders, and he kept swatting it out of his eyes. It was more white than silver in this light, Ienzo thought, and looked fresh and fluffy, like it had just been washed. He thought of his own dirty, dry hair. For just a breath, he wondered what that hair might feel like under his fingertips.

What an odd thing to think about. He shook his head to brush away this thought. 

“So what’s up?” Riku asked.

“I wanted to… talk about what happened, the last time we saw one another.”

He winced. “I tried to find you--”

“...But I avoided you.” He admitted this to his mug. “Truthfully, I must apolo--”

“I’m sorry,” Riku said at the same time. “I’m so sorry.”

Ienzo furrowed his brows. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You had a fever and I startled you when you were dead asleep.”

“I still hurt you. And--” He squinted. “Something just felt really… off.”

“...Which is what I wanted to talk about, because it’s clear that if we’re to have any functioning rapport…” He drummed his fingers on the table, trying to come up with a tactful way of saying this.  _ You look like my murderer. _ He took a breath. “At Castle Oblivion, after we fought--”

Riku visibly tensed. 

“It was, perhaps, only a few moments later that I--”

He dropped his eyes. “I know. Bad blood. Bad memories.”

“But  _ you _ weren’t the one who… ultimately made it happen.”

Riku bit his lip. “I figured you might’ve… bled out. I don’t like thinking about it.”

“Of course you don’t,” he said softly. “But you recall… the replica?”

“Of me?” He frowned. “Um, yeah.”

“I’m going to say it very bluntly.” His heart was beating hard. “Axel had him kill me. I’d learned too much about the Organization’s coup.” The memory stabbed him, especially seated right across from him. But between the new hairstyle, and the few years’ of aging, Riku did not look much like the puppet anymore.

“Of course you panicked,” Riku said. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

“It is wholly embarrassing. I…” He cleared his throat. “For some reason that felt… necessary, in order to move on.”

“...Especially with me randomly poking my ugly mug in,” he said, shaking his head. 

Not ugly, Ienzo thought, feeling a different flash of nerves. Perhaps that was part of why this was so unsettling. 

“I’ll try to avoid cornering you,” he continued. “And, uh, grabbing.”

“It seems what happened was neither of our faults,” Ienzo said. “But I don’t want us to have to walk on eggshells around each other. I do enough of that as it is.”

A nervous smile flickered on his face. “You guys don’t get along?”

“It’s… a bit complicated.” Ienzo didn’t feel much like going into all  _ that _ . 

“Sounds like you could use a friend.”

Ienzo looked up. His expression was genuine, and if Ienzo was understanding correctly,  _ pleading. _ Ienzo wondered again if Riku actually spent time with anyone. “...Perhaps I could.”

This smile was less hesitant. 

“...And you could stop making up excuses to drop by.” He tried to say this kindly. “I imagine… it’s not easy, doing all this work by yourself.”

Riku’s grip on his mug loosened a bit. “To be completely honest…” He chuckled. “I… am bored out of my mind. When I said I was housesitting? I wasn’t being modest. That’s literally what I was asked to do.” Something honest crept into his tone. 

Ienzo blinked. “...I see. Why don’t you go home, then? Spend time with your family?”

Evidently, this was the wrong question to ask: what little humor in Riku’s expression fell. “It feels… wrong, to go back without them,” he said softly. “When we were last home a few months ago… I… made a promise to myself that I would bring them home. I can’t… look their parents in the eye. It feels like my fault somehow.”

“I’m sure it isn’t.” He exhaled. “We will do our best to try and help you get back together.”

“I know. I know you’re all working hard, I didn’t mean to imply--”

“I know.” Ienzo smiled. “But let me do this for you. As friends.”

He nodded. 

“Moreover… if you’re bored.” He cocked his head. “Aeleus and Dilan have their hands full doing repairs around the castle. How good are you with your hands?”

His eyebrows shot up, and Ienzo saw the almost  _ desperate _ glimmer in his eye. “Actually pretty good,” he said. “I used to build stuff on the play island all the time.”

“Great. Then perhaps you’d be willing to help? Say, a day or so a week, or whatever would work best with your schedule? I know traveling back and forth must be annoying.”

“I’d hate to… be an inconvenience,” he said slowly.

“You’d be helping  _ us _ ,” Ienzo said. “And that way, you don’t  _ need _ to travel goodness-knows-how-far to pester me about Kairi.”

Riku flushed. “Ha… yeah, I guess so. Ah. I’ll check up on things in the castle and come back.”

“Great. So it’s a date.”

There was a long, pronounced silence, Ienzo wondered if this was the wrong thing to say. His heart was fluttering hard again, the same way it had before, and he swallowed it down. This was… strange, and he wasn’t sure he liked how it felt. 

Riku seemed nervous too. “Awesome. So. It’s a date.”

Ienzo cleared his throat. “I won’t hold you up any longer.”

“No, I should… go, so I can come back.” He stood.

“Safe travels,” Ienzo said, hearing the artificiality in his own voice. When Riku was gone, his heart was still pounding, beating hard in an insistent way he didn’t know how to read. He thought, involuntarily, of that hair again, of how it might feel.

Ienzo had a feeling he didn’t want to know.

* * *

On his way back to the Land of Departure, Riku felt... fuzzy. Nervous, jumpy. This was only amplified by the utter silence of the place. He paced, restlessly, trying to understand what it was he might be feeling. There seemed to be a lot to unpack.

He thought he’d killed Zexion the same way he’d killed Lexeaus. A blow to the spine, some internal damage. Zexion had been a mighty opponent, but not  _ physically _ that strong. From the moment he’d first struck down Lexeaus, he’d tried not to think of the truth, the brutality, of what he’d done, that he’d essentially just killed a person. Knowing it had led to their direct humanity seemed… both a comfort, and an insult.

Also… the fact that  _ Axel _ was capable of such brutality… having fought alongside Lea in the war, and seeing the awkward and charming way he acted with Kairi… it made him feel slightly ill.

_ But you did awful things under the influence of darkness too, _ the ever-present guilt reminded him.  _ All the Heartless you summoned, and the things Maleficent told you to do with them. You probably killed people and didn’t even realize. _

He sat down on his bed and looked out the window. Snow was falling in the Land of Departure. As a Nobody… hadn’t Zexion done the same? And Riku had done this all in the sake of… what… gathering power? Mining his “true potential”? Which was--?

Sitting here overthinking, apparently. The sooner he finished up these loose ends, the sooner he could return and do what Ienzo had asked. Maybe he could even talk to him more about this conundrum, and see if the Somebodies there felt the same way about the things they’d done in the past. Just because both of them had turned over a new leaf didn’t mean the past was forgiven, or forgotten.

He should probably try to get some sleep, too.

After tending to his few chores, Riku lay in bed, trying to switch off. At some point in the past he’d been able to fall asleep practically on command, but now the action seemed something of a labor, and his mind would spin and spin in any direction and on any memory until it was late enough to be considered early. Fighting Heartless, and training himself to physical exhaustion, made it  _ easier _ , but not easy. He parsed that interaction out in his mind, thinking back to the expression on Ienzo’s face when Riku accidentally grabbed him. Ienzo must have thought of the moment when the puppet… did whatever the puppet did.

(And, Riku thought, if the puppet was a likeness of him, down to his personality at the time, was Riku capable of that kind of violence as well?)

He took a deep breath and let it out, trying to stop thinking about that. Instead, he found himself thinking about the way their conversation had ended.  _ So it’s a date. _ He didn’t mean-- no, he just meant a place and a time, a date on a calendar. Why would he--

But Ienzo was so eloquent, it couldn’t just be a slip of the tongue. Right? Or perhaps it had? And if so, what did that mean?

The last thing Riku needed was for things to get more complicated. He needed Ienzo and the others to be able to help Kairi help Sora.

Still, the way his heart was beating… was new. And odd. And he thought of that moment during the Mark of Mastery exam, when Shiki had most likely been flirting with him. How he hadn’t felt anything at the time, wasn’t sure if he was supposed to--there was a lot of things going on that were far more important.

But now? When  _ nothing _ was going on?

There was banter right before he got sick, too. And he’d felt the same jump, the same uncertainty. But he also bantered with Sora and Kairi all the time, and then he sometimes got nervous thinking of witty replies on the fly. But did it make him feel  _ like this? _ And was this something Riku  _ wanted _ to feel?

_ You’re putting way more into this than was there, _ he thought, shaking his head.  _ What reason would he even have for doing something like that? _

He shut his eyes, but the thoughts didn’t stop.

* * *

Riku was used to the flight between Radiant Garden and Land of Departure by now. He’d started calling it his “commute”, in moments of deeper loneliness.  _ Commuting to see Kairi. _ He wondered what his life would look like if none of this had happened. He’d be wrapping up his last year of high school, he knew, getting ready for university or the greater world. Riku tried to imagine himself working a job: at a coffee shop, or as a waiter, or bagging groceries. Typing and typing at an office job. Much like when he was fifteen, the notion made him feel vaguely nauseous. But equally, he wasn’t sure of what would become his future  _ now _ . His eighteenth birthday was some months away. Theoretical adulthood.

Well, he was a Keyblade master now, not that that seemed to mean much of anything. Would he… take on apprentices? Teach them? Would that be satisfying?

_ Sora and Kairi aren’t even home yet. Don’t get ahead of yourself. _ Maybe they would help him make sense of this mess. Yes, that was it. He thought of Kairi, her laugh.  _ Riku, you’re such a downer sometimes, you know?  _ And Sora,  _ as long as it’s the three of us, we’ll be okay. _

He wondered how pathetic it was to be having imaginary conversations with his best friends. 

Riku landed in the outer recesses of Radiant Garden and started the now-familiar walk to the castle. It was always so  _ cold _ here, so gloomy, now that winter had come over the city. Thankfully he’d actually been able to get a coat. He tugged his collar up a bit higher. He’d experienced a lot over the past two years or so, but he was still, at heart, an islander.

He wasn’t sure where exactly to go or what he had to do, so he went down to the lab. He couldn’t help but smile a little when he saw Kairi, even if she was completely unaware of his presence. He wondered for the millionth time what she was doing in there, what she was experiencing. How they all made  _ numbers _ about it was beyond him.

“Ah--Riku. Back so soon, I see?” Even asked, his tone brisk and cool as usual. 

“Uh--yeah, actually. Ienzo said you guys needed help with the… repairs, so I figured… I have some time--”

“We mustn’t take you from your duties,” Ansem said.

“No, you’re really not.” He forced a laugh. “This is helpful, actually.” He looked around. “So… uh… where is he?”

“He had some questions about some code and thought Cid might be able to help,” Even said. 

“...Questions?”

“There are some anomalies in her heart, recently. We’re fairly certain it’s the differences in structure due to her nature as princess of heart, but it’s always good to… seek a second opinion.” Ansem smiled; Even scowled. 

Riku frowned. “Is she okay?”

“As far as we can tell, yes,” Even said. “The sleep isn’t physically affecting her in the slightest--other than the obvious.”

He walked over to her and adjusted the blanket draped over her. “It’s a little cold over here. Can you turn down the AC?”

“We need it to keep the machines--” Even began, but Ansem patted Riku’s shoulder gently.

“I’ll bring in a space heater for her,” he said.

“Thank you.” He watched her breathe for a moment. “So… what should I--”

“I believe Aeleus is painting near the library. Do you know where that is?”

Riku swallowed, suddenly finding his mouth very dry. “Yes. I remember.”

He very nearly left then. He’d only seen Aeleus briefly in passing a few times coming and going, and the man never said much other than to curtly nod at him. While he now knew he hadn’t felled Zexion… well. He was certain he’d finished the job with Lexeaus. 

What do you say to someone you’ve killed?

_ Maybe start with sorry, _ he imagined Kairi telling him.

Right. It would be… a good idea to not be on tenterhooks here. Especially if he were going to be helping out. If it weren’t for this, he would still be sitting in that castle, bored out of his mind. This was something good, constructive.  _ It was good. _

He took a deep breath.

Seeing the deterioration in this castle, Riku felt another stab of guilt. Some of this destruction had been here when he’d arrived, but some of it had come from his own practice trying to get the Heartless to do his bidding. He brushed his fingers across a torn painting, wondering what had happened to the person who made it.

Well. At least he could quite literally undo some of the damage.

He saw Aeleus on a ladder towards the end of the hallway, very carefully trying to paint over a new patch in the ceiling. Riku took a deep breath. He didn’t want to startle Aeleus either. “Hi there,” he called.

He looked over.

“So, uh.” He cleared his throat. “I’m here to… help? If I can?”

“Ienzo told me you were interested in helping do some repairs, yes.”

“Well. Uh. Could I do anything?”

He considered Riku. His expression was nearly impossible to read. “That can of green. If you want to start going over where I whitewashed. You can use the roller. Prime it first.”

“...Thanks.” He went over to the area that Aeleus had gestured to. There had once been wallpaper here, but it had been removed, and the holes and cracks beneath repaired with plaster. Riku poured some of the primer into a pan and got to it. He was glad that his braces couldn’t get stained; he saw that very quickly this could get messy. 

For what felt like an eternity, but was maybe only an hour or two, he and Aeleus painted in silence, and the only audible sound was the dipping and rolling of the brush and roller. Riku wasn’t sure if he was imagining the tension in the air or not. He reached up to swat the hair out of his eyes and inadvertently smeared paint on his face. “...Ugh.”

“...You might want to do something about that,” Aeleus said. He took a clean bandanna out of his pocket and handed it to him.

“Thanks.” His hair was at that awkward in-between length that was too short to tie up but too long to feel manageable loose. He could cut it, he knew, and go back to the way he’d looked before, but the spikes reminded him too much of Sora. Riku looked down at the smear of paint on the cloth.  _ Just say sorry.  _ “Listen,” he began. “I just… wanted to say sorry. For everything.”

Aeleus set his brush down on top of the can and turned to face Riku more fully. “What do you have to apologize for?”

He blinked. He didn’t want to have to say it. “...You know. Castle Oblivion. Everything… that happened.”

Aeleus looked into the middle distance for a moment. “You don’t owe me an apology,” he said, in a low voice. “Rather… the other way around. Don’t you think?”

Riku shook his head slowly. “Ienzo said something similar.”

“We… treated you terribly. Tried to use you. Am I supposed to be mad that you fought back?”

“But I…” He couldn’t bring himself to say “killed you.”

“...Which is part of the reason I am here, and working to be better, instead of continuing to do evil in that Organization’s name.” He seemed to be smiling just the slightest.

“It’s not like any of us knew about the reformation at the time--”

“We needed to be stopped,” Aeleus said shortly. “Neither of us blame you, Riku.”

“Do you think you… still  _ would _ be with the Organization, if your Nobody had survived?”

Aeleus thought about it. “That depends entirely on whether or not Vexen and Zexion survived as well.”

Riku cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure that “friends” is the right term to use,” he said. “But the three of us… well. Even and I raised Ienzo from when he was a boy. Even with our true bonds severed by the lack of a heart, there was enough of a relationship there for me to… make their wellbeing my priority. If they had survived and turned back to the Organization, I would’ve too. But if they’d have passed on, and I survived, I might have… left. But either way…” He spread his large hands. “We all perished, but we are all human now.”

“What does that… feel like?”

Aeleus’s eyebrows shot up.

“Sorry. I just… I’m curious.”

He thought for another long moment. “It is both so strange and so natural,” he said. “The rush of emotion… feels as if it is so strong. There is a lot of guilt. But I feel more… me, than I thought I would, in those rare moments I considered Xemnas’s fake goal of giving us hearts.”

“More like Lexeaus, you mean?”

“We were Nobodies for just under ten years. I was not much older than Ienzo is now when it happened. As the years passed… my human self seemed soft, weak, and what he felt… unnecessary and boorish. But to have those feelings back… well. I realize that humanity is different than what I thought. There is strength to it that the darkness and the nothing couldn’t provide.”

“I think I understand,” Riku said.  _ My friends are my power! _ He remembered. “Thanks for that.” He breathed the taste of paint. “Do you still feel the darkness?” He didn’t expect an answer.

Aeleus held his chin up, just a little. “I do,” he admitted, “but I know its price. And I intend to keep it at bay.”

Riku nodded. “Yeah. I know how that is.”

“...I think all of us here do.” He climbed back up the ladder and picked up his brush. “Might I suggest bobby pins? Ienzo finds them useful.”

“...You’re probably right.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo and Riku's friendship begins to deepen, raising questions about what they might feel about what another. Time passes.

Ienzo was exhausted.

The walk back from town felt longer than it ever had. Cid had tried his best to offer advice, but as it were, he couldn’t do much. Ienzo’s limbs felt heavy, the soles of his shoes worn thin from so many hours on his feet.  _ I really should get new boots,  _ he thought.

At least he was able to identify this feeling now, unlike the first time it had happened. He needed to try and sleep, if so for an hour or two. He didn’t  _ want _ to collapse again. It was not a very flattering look. The first time it had happened, Aeleus had panicked and contacted Even, and the lecture Ienzo had received afterwards was  _ not _ pleasant.

He knew better now. Rest first; at least a little. He forced himself to lay down and was so burnt out he slept dreamlessly, almost breathlessly, waking up just after dawn with an unpleasant crick in his neck. The notion of waking up for once  _ not _ in a nightmare-induced panic was a bit disorienting; he blinked.

Ahead of Ienzo was another long day of no progress being made. He knew in his bones that was what would happen, but couldn’t justify doing much else. He took a shower, put on some clean clothes, and went to the communal kitchen to go get a cup of coffee, hoping that someone had filled the pot already.

Someone had, but not the someone he’d thought.

“Oh… sorry,” Riku said. “I figured I’d just… make some for all of us.”

Ienzo shook his head a little. “So you got in.”

“Yesterday. I helped Aeleus with some painting.” There was something jittery, almost nervous in Riku’s expression. Ienzo thought back to their last encounter and bit his lip.

“Oh. That’s good. Oatmeal? I was going to make some for myself.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.”

It was still a bit uncomfortable, admittedly, to have his back towards him. Ienzo’s face was burning, and his heart was beating hard again, but not  _ quite _ with the same panic as before. “I know Aeleus isn’t exactly the chattiest if one doesn’t know him well.”

“...Actually… he and I kinda had a good conversation. About…”

“Castle Oblivion.”

“What else?” he chuckled.

Ienzo dumped in the oats and turned to look at him. 

“It’s just hard for me to pretend that never happened. Not since I’m here.”

“And since you quite literally live there now,” Ienzo added.

He shrugged. “Well. Staying there, anyway.”

He stirred their breakfast. “Is it very strange?”

“It’s eerie,” Riku admitted. “I’m the only one there.”

“...No wonder you’re looking for any reason not to be there.”

After a moment, Riku added, “it wouldn’t be so bad if I actually had things to do.”

Ienzo added some honey and sugar. “You don’t like being bored, do you?”

“I already think too much,” Riku said. “With nothing to work towards… I feel useless.”

“I know that feeling well.” He smiled a little despite himself. At least these were instant oats, so there wasn’t much awkward faffing around while he waited and waited for it to cook. He spooned some out for each of them and sat.

It felt a little odd, sharing a meal. Something too mundane and too human. “Thanks for cooking,” Riku said.

“Thank  _ you _ for the coffee,” Ienzo said back. “Really. You don’t  _ need _ to be so stiff or so polite around me.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure what else to say.”

“You don’t always  _ have _ to say anything.”

“What if I want to sound smart like you guys?”

He laughed. “We’re not smart. We’re educated. There’s a difference.”

“I don’t know about that. Hearing you guys talk about--data, and principles, and heartlines, and all this other stuff… sometimes it just sounds like gibberish to me.” He chuckled. His grin was a bit lopsided, Ienzo noted. He liked the character it brought to Riku’s face, different than the obvious mask he’d been wearing.  _ And I’m probably doing the same. _

“Sometimes it  _ is _ gibberish,” Ienzo said. “I swear Even likes hearing himself talk.”

“...I think you do too.”

His eyebrows shot up; it took a moment to realize he was teasing him, and even longer to come up with a response. “...Perhaps theatricality is part of my nature,” he said lamely. He wished he could stop blushing. “What of it?”

“But yet I also so don’t get you.”

He blinked. “How so?”

Riku cocked his head. “I dunno. There’s just something… I can’t put my finger on. Some people are just such open books. Like Sora. But you… I thought I understood Zexion. And when we met, I thought I got  _ Ienzo _ . But now I’m not so sure.”

“May have something to do with the fact that I don’t get  _ myself _ ,” Ienzo said dryly. Then, “Do you like that sort of intrigue?”

It was a rather bold statement, and it slipped out mostly by accident. He wasn’t sure why he said it, just that it felt natural in the moment. He realized this was less bantering, more… something else.

“Jury’s still out on that one, I’m afraid,” Riku replied equally. 

“Then maybe I should try harder.” It was like a game, different than their earlier enmity. He almost wanted to know how far he could go, how hard he could push it. If Riku would snap at him for his impertinence. Or maybe Riku was so bored he  _ wanted _ that impertinence.

Maybe Ienzo did too.

Riku flicked his eyebrows once. “Maybe you should,” he said. He stood to put his dishes in the sink. “As much fun as I’m having… I should do what I’m actually here for. Apparently I’m helping Dilan today.”

“Good luck to you.”

“Though--” He looked back. “Do you happen to have… any bobby pins I could borrow?”

* * *

It was odd, and confounding, to have him around more often. Running into him during or after meals. Seeing him around Dilan or Aeleus or even working on his own, his brows furrowed in concentration. Dilan reported--with something like confusion--that he  _ was _ very good with his hands after all. 

“I think it’s nice he’s being so helpful,” Ienzo said. “I was  _ hoping _ I’d get to stop hearing you complain about having to do this work.”

“There’s so much to make  _ habitable _ that it’s going to take far more than adding one to a staff of two,” Dilan said. “Perhaps if  _ you _ got off your butt and did some work too.”

Ienzo rolled his eyes. “I am working. Quite hard.” On a mostly fruitless project, true. Every morning he walked into that lab and Kairi was still asleep, he felt a stab of guilt. They were wasting days of her life. But everything was coming out so-- _ ordinarily. _ Ansem insisted they had to trust that she was working with the process. But it had been nearly four  _ months. _ And seeing Riku’s concern and disappointment whenever he found out no major strides had been made didn’t help.

Ienzo felt… useless. He found himself thinking more often of his days as a Nobody, when he felt like he was  _ doing _ something,  _ getting _ somewhere. Making discoveries.

Committing atrocities. Causing worlds to fall. Et cetera. 

But this didn’t feel much like atonement either. He pulled his eyes away from the computer and looked at his hands, which to this day still looked rather naked without those black gloves.  _ All I’ve done and I’m still here. Is there a reason for that? Or is this another of the universe’s jokes? _ Much like Xehanort had  _ ascended _ rather than simply dying. Maybe he wanted karma, he  _ wanted _ consequence, and vilification--

He looked back at the sleeping girl. He wanted to do good  _ so badly _ . But he didn’t seem very “good” at that. “Excuse me,” he said to Ansem. “I need to walk for a minute. Clear my head.”

“By all means,” Ansem said, with a smile. 

Ansem’s kindness made him feel guilty, too. Maybe Ienzo hadn’t been the one to usurp him, but after all, he had been the one to persuade Ansem into building that lab. Everything that happened after that was his fault. Staying busy… helped him keep on top of the memory. If he didn’t try to make up for what he did, why even have this life at all? It didn’t make sense.

But he couldn’t  _ try _ to work like this.

Ienzo started walking. His eyes were hurting from all the time spent in front of screens. There had to be something he could do, something major all of them were missing--maybe he should go to the library, pull a few texts, something older than their research, a bit more mythic--

His head was starting to ache. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You--ah--okay?”

Riku startled him; he felt that jolt of accompanying panic and had to take a breath to settle himself. “Riku. I thought you were away.”

“...I just came back a few minutes ago. It turns out a self-cleaning castle doesn’t need a whole lot of babysitting.”

“I-I’m glad you’re motivated.”

“Idle hands make the devil’s work,” he said, with a trace of sarcasm. “Really, you okay?”

“I’m a bit frustrated,” he admitted. “When it comes to our work.”

“With Kairi,” he said, his face falling.

“Yes. It’s been… months, and we have… very little to show.”

“Ansem said this would be a long shot,” Riku reminded him. 

“But I’d hoped for more than quite literally nothing. It makes me feel…” Why was he telling him all this? 

“Let me guess. Useless?” he offered.

“Wholly and completely. I left to try and clear my head. If you’d like to talk to Even--”

“That’s alright.”

Ienzo smiled a little. “I think I just need to get out of here for a few minutes. Get coffee… or something. That is, if the weather isn’t awful.”

“It kinda always is lately, isn’t it?” Riku said, with a sigh.

“You must miss the warmth.”

He seemed to go far away for a moment. “I guess so.”

“Do you want to come with me?”

He jerked. “What?”

“On my walk? For coffee? Or…” Checking his watch. “I should probably eat…” He scowled.

Riku chuckled. “What’s that mean?”

“Right… you wouldn’t know, would you?” He shook his head. “Nobodies don’t  _ have _ to eat. Or sleep, for that matter. That is to say… I’m not quite used to it. Which I’m sure sounds very strange.”

“Huh,” he said. “You know, I think I sort of get it. When I was… possessed by the seeker of darkness, I kinda felt the same.”

“Isn’t it bizarre?” Ienzo asked. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to talk about this.

“...I guess darkness is hungry in other ways,” he said. “Though… I never fully lost my heart the way you did.”

He hummed. “Well. I’ll get my coat and boots, and then we’ll go?”

“Alright.”

* * *

True to form, it was snowing, fat white flakes falling from the sky. At least it wasn't so painfully cold, and Ienzo's wool coat kept him warm enough. "I guess there aren't seasons on Destiny Islands," he began, feeling the need to chat. 

"I thought you'd been," Riku began cautiously.

"...No," Ienzo said.

"But your… illusion of it was so spot-on."

His heart was beating hard and fast. "That's partially due to your and Sora's memories, and partially due to the nature of Castle Oblivion," he said. "Usually I can't-- _ couldn't, _ " he corrected, "make something so intense without experience. I think that's the only reason Xemnas let me onto the field, in the end." He cleared his throat. "No, I've never been. How do noodles sound?"

"Um, fine."

They got some from a stand and sat at a table under a covered courtyard. Despite outdoor space heaters, it was still rather cold. They ate in silence for a moment. 

"It does have seasons," Riku said, in a low voice. "Not like here, not the four. But… yeah. The dry season, the wet rainy season, hot, and… slightly less hot."

Ienzo chuckled. "Do you miss it?"

Riku didn't speak for a moment, and he wondered if he'd hit a nerve. "More than I thought I would," he said. "I guess… part of it is the simplicity of life, that I had. I hated it, though. The thought that I would spend my whole life confined to a handful of islands."

"...It must've felt suffocating."

"It did," he admitted. "Though now I want to go back to the way things were. ...At least until I get sick of it again."

"You have options now," Ienzo said. 

"I guess so."

He picked at his food with his chopsticks. "Did you have a happy childhood there?" He asked

Riku smirked. "Why do you ask? I thought we didn't always  _ have  _ to say anything."

Ienzo's heart stuttered again. This game was getting deliberate, he realized. "How dare I seek to get to know you better."

"I'm just honestly surprised you're asking me  _ that. _ "

"Why? Considering I spend my waking days examining old memory… I think I deserve a conversation about it."

He leaned back in his chair. His jacket pulled a bit tighter across his chest, revealing a bit of definition Ienzo definitely noticed, and he found his mouth dry and his head a bit empty. It took a moment to recover. He realized, coldly, he was ogling him  _ with interest _ , and his breathing picked up a bit.

Oh no.

Riky raised an eyebrow. "Ienzo? You okay?"

He'd never felt this way. Was this supposed to be how it felt? He didn't deserve this sort of thing, he wasn't even sure he deserved  _ friends-- _

He leaned back over the table. "You're breathing kind of hard. Why are you anxious?"

Ienzo felt so beautifully and so awfully  _ seen. _ He wasn't used to feeling and he wasn't used to anyone  _ recognizing  _ what he was feeling--how could he ever be good enough--

"Ienzo. Look at me. It's okay."

He shook his head, keeping his eyes on the table. 

"Was it a memory? Did you remember something?"

He shook his head again.

"Look at me," he repeated. "Look up. You're alright. It's only anxiety."

"Only," he spat. His chest was tight and he was nauseous.

"I know. Believe me, I know. It sucks. It's the worst. But it's not forever."

"This is humiliating."

"Why? It's just me. No one else is around. The weather is too shitty." He offered a smile. 

"I don't want to--I'm not used to--" He couldn't think clearly.

"Breathe. Nice and deep."

He tried; it hurt. His eyes were watering. "You… you feel like this?"

"...A lot, actually."

"So many things I don't understand." He'd studied mental illness for years and he couldn't even recognize an anxiety attack that  _ wasn't  _ triggered by memory. 

"It's okay. It doesn't usually make sense." He felt pressure and realized Riku had taken his hand and, moreover, he was squeezing it hard. Ienzo jerked his own back. 

"What were you thinking about? Can you tell me?" He asked. 

Ienzo swallowed. "Do you ever feel…" He shouldn't say this, he should say it was too personal, and Riku wouldn't pry. "Undeserving?"

"Of?"

"Everything, the people around you, your  _ friends,  _ just--having a body--"

Unflinchingly, he said, "yes. Always. But you know… I'm starting to learn that just because I did bad stuff in the past doesn't mean I have to make myself pay for it forever."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How do you realize that?" He needed the answer. 

"Look, you want to be better, right? And you're working hard on that? Why punish yourself? I…" He exhaled. "That's hard for me to grasp most of the time too. But for whatever reason we're here. That has to mean something. We were given second chances. Chances to make choices."

"What kind of choice?"

"Who we'll be."

It felt like a weight was leaving him, though how or why he wasn't sure. 

"No Organization. No… Ansem, or Xemnas. Just us."

"I guess so," he said wearily. “How did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Just… forgive yourself. Move on.”

Riku laughed a little. “Well I’m not done, exactly. Not even close. I just… I don’t know. At some point suffering gets… pointless. It doesn’t help anyone. It just… wastes time.”

Ienzo blinked back the tears. “That actually makes sense.”

“I’m not going to pretend to understand everything that happened with you. But I think…” He exhaled. “Dunno. If you ever feel like you need to talk about it, you can start with me. Cause I know how much it sucks to try and do this all alone.”

Ienzo looked him in the eye at long last. He seemed to mean it, really and genuinely. “Right,” he said softly. “Right. Okay.”

“Why don’t we walk for a little while? That might help.”

“Alright.” Ienzo cleared his throat. They went to give back their empty bowls. Finally he made himself say it. “Thank you, Riku.’

He shook his head. “It’s the least I can do.”

* * *

Riku found himself looking forward to his time in Radiant Garden, even though the winters there were wet, cold, and generally miserable. The castle didn’t have adequate heating; this was part of his repair job, actually. They’d been using mostly fireplaces and space heaters, but it would be more effective--especially seeing the literal ice rain down from the sky--to have the central heating up and running.

Riku was used to working with Aeleus now, his quiet calm demeanor. They didn’t talk much, but this suited Riku. Sometimes, depending on how hands-on the work was, his left wrist would ache for hours. Dilan wasn’t as pleasant of a partner. And sometimes, Riku worked totally alone.

But at least if he were working here he was close to Kairi, and it was something constructive to  _ do _ . It made him feel just the slightest bit less lonely, even though the ache of missing them never went away. 

He dreamt of Sora often, usually nightmares of Sora lost, injured, or worse. At least with Kairi here he knew she was physically okay. (Though there were, admittedly, dreams of her turning up braindead from being asleep so long.) Sora must feel so alone, wherever he was. He was so dependent on his friends. Riku just wanted him back home, safe and sound.

Though at least he had someone to talk to, now.

Over the days and weeks that followed, through the worst of winter, he and Ienzo actually spent a good amount of time together, even if they just sat down for a cup of coffee or went for a walk. Riku guessed they were both lonely, but as their conversations evolved, he realized… he and Ienzo were actually a lot alike. Their relationships to darkness and their pasts. Their general reservedness. The dark humor. 

Riku…  _ liked _ spending time with Ienzo. 

Every now and again he saw the other boy staring at him, his head slightly cocked, his eyes running so lightly against Riku’s arms, or his jaw. He’d first noticed the day Ienzo had that anxiety attack. And on some level, Riku knew he himself was attractive, if the behavior of the girls and some of the guys at his high school had meant anything. Even if that “attractiveness” came from unusually colored hair and symmetrical features and simply taking care of himself. At first, the notion that Ienzo might find him attractive too was terrifying.

But ever since he’d felt that first jump in his pulse, he… started to feel it, too. Ienzo’s delicate face, the gracefulness of his hands. The glint in his eye. Would it be so harmful to flirt with him? They already had several times.

_ Yes, _ said the voice in his head that sounded like Kairi.  _ For one, it’s a huge conflict of interest. You need him to do his best work to help  _ me _ , right? Which he can’t do if he’s distracted by you. _

Riku felt a stab of guilt. But they weren’t getting much done anyway, he thought. Ienzo had explained the process to him a few times (it had sort of become white noise every time, even though he had  _ tried _ to listen and understand, instead watching the way his lips moved and trying to keep his expression neutral), and the data they were receiving wasn’t conclusive. She might still be digging through her deeper memory. Considering she had sixteen years’ of it, this might take… a long time. 

And the three of them worked more or less around the clock, too. There had been a few times when Riku went down in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, hoping to sit with Kairi for a little while, alone. Someone was usually down there--usually, in fact, it was Ienzo, or a bit more rarely Even. He saw the bags under their eyes, their pale skin, the yawns and the endless cups of coffee. It wasn’t for lack of trying. 

Winter coasted to an end, and spring seemed to pass quickly, too. His hair was finally long enough to pull back without the use of pins, and he was grateful because they always fell out or slid around. As the tepid heat that passed for Radiant Garden’s summer began to bleed in, Riku realized it had been nearly nine months since Kairi was asleep. 

And it hurt. Here he was, awake,  _ alive _ ,  _ alone _ , and almost a full year had passed. Sora’s birthday in March had been agony to get through, almost like he was dead and not missing. Now he was faced with the prospect of Kairi’s.

“...Are you alright?” Ienzo asked him during their customary walk. Even though it was summer, he still wore a button-up, done all the way up to the top. At least this one had short sleeves, the muscles in his arms more pronounced than Riku might’ve thought. Books were heavy, he decided. 

“I…” He trailed off.

Ienzo smiled. “Riku, we’ve talked about this,” he said in a slightly scolding tone (Riku tried to ignore the way his heart beat faster). “Lying and saying we’re fine gets us nowhere.”

“Pot calling the kettle black,” he said instantly. “Look, I’m just thinking… it’s August, right? It’s… almost Kairi’s birthday.”

“Oh,” Ienzo said softly. “I didn’t know.”

“It just… makes me realize how much time has passed.” He looked away from Ienzo, back out at the cobble roads in front of them. “And I know you guys are working as hard as you can--”

“It’s been endlessly frustrating and disheartening for me to have to tell you time and again there’s no progress.”

“I know. I know. I just…” He swallowed the unexpected lump in his throat.

“You miss them.”

“They’re my best friends. And working around here  _ helps _ , but I’m just so… I don’t know how much more waiting around I can do.”

Ienzo frowned. “I think of it this way, and this may help you,” he said. “Naminé was able to restore Sora’s memories in a year. He was only fifteen, and she was only one person. But there are the three of us,  _ and _ Kairi, working hard on this memory dive to see if we can find any connection to Sora. I think… I just have a feeling that something might happen around that year mark. Try not to lose hope just yet.” He gave Riku’s hand one small squeeze, enough to make him nearly stumble over his words.

“I’m trying. It’s just… not easy. It feels like… it’s been so long since I was able to just be friends with them, like there hasn’t ever  _ not _ been a time we were all separated looking for each other. Sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to end.”

“I’m sure it must feel that way,” he said, a bit more gently. “But… knowing what I know about the three of you, the bonds are too strong for that separation to be final.”

“You really believe that,” Riku said dryly. 

“I really do.” He lifted his chin a bit defiantly. “And seeing as I’m your source for all things scientific… you have no choice but to believe me.”

Riku chuckled. 

“...Besides, if enough time passes, we can attempt to release her from her sleep,” Ienzo said. “Actually  _ talk _ to her. That might be helpful.”

They’d brought this up before, briefly. “But it’s her heart that’s asleep, right? We can’t just  _ wake _ it up until it’s ready.”

“A good friend of mine has a power that has something to do with that,” Ienzo said, raising an eyebrow.

He pressed a hand to his forehead. 

“Did you forget?” Ienzo asked.

“I didn’t…  _ forget _ . I just didn’t think it would work.”

“Well, to be fair I’m not completely sure it will,” he said. “But it’s worth trying, I think.”

Riku nodded. “Some expert you are,” he said, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Ienzo rolled his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo has a conversation with Ansem, leading him to a crucial realization about his feelings for Riku.

Riku did seem awfully despondent when that day came. Ienzo insisted he not spend it alone, that he come to Radiant Garden. Somewhere along the way Riku’s emotional wellbeing had become important to him, though why he wasn’t sure.

Well. He knew  _ why _ .

All this  _ time _ spent together. Ienzo may have been inexperienced, but he wasn’t naive. He could  _ see _ Riku looking at him, sometimes, out of the corner of his eye.  _ Whatever _ was happening between them was clearly growing and also clearly mutual. Thinking about it too hard made his palms sweat and his heart race--with anxiety.

He wasn’t good enough. Riku’d had--mostly a normal life. He deserved someone  _ whole _ and who could be completely emotionally available to him. This had to be a passing attraction--a combination of Ienzo’s newfound feelings and Riku’s boredom. That was all.

But if it was  _ passing _ … how come over the course of these months, and the time they’d only gotten to know each other better… why was it getting  _ stronger _ ? 

Ienzo realized that he desperately wanted to talk to someone about this. He also realized that the person he most wanted to discuss it with, the person whose opinion on the matter was most important,  _ was _ Riku, and the notion of doing that felt like cutting the wrong wire on a bomb. After all, once his friends were back, wouldn’t Riku just go home… and move on with his life? It was unrealistic to expect him to stay here for Ienzo. 

He wasn’t sure he liked the way this felt.

“Ienzo?”

His head snapped up from the tablet in his hands. “Yes, Master?”

Ansem sighed. “How many times must I tell you to call me by my name?”

“I’m… sorry. Habit,” he lied. In reality, it felt undeserved.  _ Everything _ still felt undeserved. He and Ansem had sat down multiple times to talk and try to get to know each other better, but as gracious as the man was, Ienzo still felt an awful pang of guilt.

“Forgive me, but… something seems to weigh heavily on your heart. Moreso than usual,” he said.

Ienzo looked into his rust-colored eyes. This man was his  _ father _ , he forced himself to think, and as much as that was the truth it was still difficult to internalize. “I suppose it must be quite obvious,” he said.

“Well, yes. Why don’t we sit down for a few minutes? Have some tea?”

He glanced back over at Kairi. 

“The girl can wait a little while, I think,” Ansem said gently. 

Ienzo tried to swallow the nerves. They went back into the office, gathered yet more tea. His feet throbbed when he sat down.

“So what is it?” Ansem asked.

He took a deep breath. “I feel… undeserving,” he began. “Of so many things. Receiving any comfort from you after what I’ve put you through, firstly.”

“Ienzo, you were not the one to oust me from this place. You said yourself that you were a child, and they lied to you about the reason for my… disappearance.” He winced.

“Even so. If I had not convinced you to build that lab--”

“If I recall correctly, the intentions for it were much different, much less insidious, at the time,” Ansem continued. “Not to mention… the others, especially Xehanort, knew how much of a soft spot I had for you. I’m sure it was easy to make you think it was all your idea.”

Ienzo shook his head slowly. “I should’ve known better.”

“You were a boy,” he said. “Ienzo, your expectations of your past self in the situation are far too high. A child can only know what they’ve been taught.”

“You hold no resentment whatsoever?” Ienzo asked. “I find that hard to believe.”

Ansem sighed. “I had a lot of time to think, where I was, and yet more now that we’ve been here. To say I do not have any bitterness in my heart is a lie. At the same time… I’ve seen your ambition, since you’re yourself again. You mean to atone for your mistakes. So do I. I have no reason to hold any blame for you anymore. It won’t help either of us move on.”

Move on. Ienzo did not know how to  _ move on. _ He wondered, briefly, what his life would be like once this was all over, and felt a seed of dread tighten in his stomach. Especially with Riku gone.

“What’s on your mind?” Ansem asked.

“I just…” Ienzo exhaled and smoothed the ascot tied at his throat. “The truth is lately I’ve been feeling a great many things that scare me. Everything about this life seems so… loud and so intense. And I worry about… what the outcome of those feelings might be. I know I don’t deserve it.”

“Whatever do you mean?” The glint in his eye suggested he may know what Ienzo was referring to, but wanted to make him say it.

Very well. “I’m concerned I may be…” He took a quick breath. Saying it would make it concrete, more concrete than the feelings in his body. “That I may be harboring feelings? For someone?”

Ansem tapped his fingertips together. “Romantic feelings?”

“Maybe? I don’t know,” Ienzo said, knowing instantly that was a lie. He felt his face flush. “And I don’t… Master, I don’t know how to do friendship and I clearly don’t know how to do family. How am I supposed to be able to… be good enough for this person? For anyone?” He took a long drink of the still-quite-hot tea to smother the lump in his throat. 

Ansem thought about it. “Ienzo, ever since I’ve been back here I haven’t seen you stray once onto that selfish, dark path. I see what you’ve devoted in order to atone, and I also see its price. You’re a young person. You needn’t waste all your years alone in solitary work--regardless of how that companionship may manifest.”

Ienzo shook his head slowly. “I have so much to make up for.”

Ansem leaned forward. “And you are. You will. But I don’t think that punishing yourself when you are doing everything in your power already will help the situation.”

Ienzo wanted to believe that so badly. 

“You are too young to have such a heavy heart,” Ansem said. “Ultimately… you were also someone who lost years of your life due to the experiments and the circumstance. You were also a victim.”

Ienzo felt tears in his eyes. “No. That can’t be true.”

“You were a child. Lied to. Manipulated. It should’ve been the adults in the situation who stopped this, yet they did not. How can it be your fault that you turned out a certain way? It is possible for it to be true that you were both a victim and you did things of enormous consequence. One, in fact, begat the other.”

Ienzo didn’t know what to say.

Ansem smiled sadly. “I know I cannot convince you to forgive yourself. That’s something that you have to do yourself. But I hope you can begin to do so. Remaining trapped within those feelings only gives your mistakes more power.”

He was right, Ienzo realized.  _ He was right. _ The tears broke free.

Ansem squeezed his hand. “I think the object of your affection understands this well.”

Ienzo sniffled. “Is it very obvious? Does everyone know?”

“Not quite. Even is still Even, after all, oblivious as always. But what I know of the boy… what I’ve experienced of him firsthand…” Ansem sighed. “I think he understands, Ienzo, better even than you might think. Moreover…” A mischievous glint came into his eye. “I think he may feel the same.”

“I know he does,” Ienzo said.

“You feel you do not deserve such things.”

“I know I don’t. And we’re now going around and around in circles.” He brought a hand to his forehead. 

Ansem thought a moment. “Have you talked about it?”

“I can’t just  _ bring it up. _ ”

“Why not? If you’re so sure it’s mutual?”

“It’d change everything. He has… he has a whole life. And I have…” He faltered on “nothing.” “Perhaps this is just desperation and loneliness on my part, because I…” He realized he had nothing else to say.

Because he was, essentially, making excuses.

Slowly, Ienzo stood. “I see,” he said. “Thank you for the tea and sympathy.”

“Where are you going?”

“I need to think,” he said. “I’ll… I’ll be back to work in a little while.”

Ansem nodded. “Take your time,” he said.

* * *

Riku sighed and flexed his hands. He’d just spent the better part of an hour cranking bolts into place with a ratchet wrench, and his wrist was killing him. He put the wrench back in its toolbox, took off his brace, and gave it a good stretch. He could go to any of the healers he knew and have them fix it. But for some reason it always slipped his mind, or wasn’t bad enough, to warrant fixing. A quick rebreak and it would be back to normal.

He went back to his room, showered and got changed. It was already getting cool again. The year mark was coming up fast.

For perhaps the first time… Riku almost wished it would last a little longer. But then he thought of his friends, conscious, alive, and the thought disappeared.

Only to reappear when he saw Ienzo at his doorway. “Oh, hey Ienzo,” Riku said. The other boy looked a bit stressed, his face pinched and eyes red. “Are you… okay?”

“Do you… have a few minutes? Or were you on your way out?” His nostrils flared a little. 

He tugged his hair back into its customary ponytail. “I’ve got time.”

“...Walk with me?”

The sun was just starting to set. Ienzo’s pace was brisk, almost frenetic, and Riku’s anxiety spiked. “Did something happen?” he asked.

“Kairi is fine,” Ienzo reassured him quickly, though he seemed no less agitated. “This has nothing to do with that.”

“Then… what  _ does _ …”

They ended up in a breezeway that overlooked the town. Ienzo took a deep breath. “I need to say something before I lose my nerve,” he began. “Because it has been causing me an  _ awful _ lot of stress and frankly I’d like to just put the whole matter to bed.”

Riku blinked. “I don’t follow.”

He ran his hands through his hair. “This whole…  _ game _ between us, the past few months,” he said. “The… banter, the longing gazes, the…” He exhaled in frustration. “Once she’s awake you’ll have a job to do and I can’t afford to keep taking you from it.”

Riku felt somewhat paralyzed. “Taking me… from it?”

Ienzo looked him in the eye. There was something  _ pleading _ in his own. “I…” He was breathing audibly. “I feel something for you, something I shouldn’t, and I just think… well--” He stuttered. Riku had never seen him like this, and it made his own pulse thunder in his ears. “You deserve better. I’d hold you back. The darkness of our pasts--”

He put up a hand. “Wait. Wait. Slow down. Just  _ breathe _ a minute. You  _ like _ me?”

“Unfortunately.”

He couldn’t quite suppress the beginnings of a smile.

“But it’d never work.”

Riku was dizzy. “But--why?”

Ienzo rubbed his upper arms, like he was cold. “I'm older than you, our lives have had vastly different paths. We don't even have much in common--”

“What is it  _ really _ about?”

Ienzo seemed startled. “I’m not…” He was trembling. “You’re… I’m not good enough, Riku, I’m just not. If you knew even  _ half _ of the things I’ve done you’d run out of here screaming.”

“For some reason I doubt that.” He took a step closer to him. “Both of our lives have been shaped by darkness.”

“But you’ve overcome it, and I’m--”

“No, it’s not something you can just  _ overcome _ ,” he said. “It takes… it takes work, day in and day out, and even then, it’s still… part of you. But choosing a different path… like we both have… that’s what matters.”

“I’m just starting,” Ienzo whispered.

“But you’re starting,” he pointed out. He was close to him now, close enough to realize that they were very nearly the same height. “And so far I think you’re doing awesome.”

“You deserve someone whole,” Ienzo said. 

“Someone “whole” wouldn’t get it,” Riku said, daring to gently rest a hand on his shoulder. “You’re the only person I can talk to about these sorts of things. The only person who doesn’t make me feel… well,  _ insane _ , or kind of disgusting about it.”

Ienzo let out a long breath. “I see,” he said softly. “So… what now, then?”

“I know what I want,” he said. “But do you?”

“I think I do.” He reached up and brushed his fingers across Riku’s cheek, his touch so soft and delicate Riku shuddered. “I… I must be crazy…”

“Then we both are, I think.” 

Ienzo leaned in a little closer, almost hesitantly. Riku could  _ smell _ him, something like sandalwood, and for a second he thought he might faint-- 

He nodded a little, to show this was okay, this was wanted, and finally Ienzo closed the gap and kissed him.

For some reason Riku thought he might have more experience, but as they grappled it was clear this was uncharted territory for both of them, messy and a bit awkward. But it was really happening, he was actually  _ kissing _ him, and after this strange moment of trying to learn what to do they both seemed to understand a bit better. They were both breathing shakily. Riku pulled him closer. The sensation of touch after so long without was overwhelming, making him feel still dizzier. This was so-- _ nice _ \--

After an unknowable amount of time, Ienzo pulled away. “Oh,” he said softly, touching his lip. “I see. I suppose it was clear I’ve never--”

“Me either.”

“Really? I’m surprised.”

He raised an eyebrow. “When would I have the time?”

“Well, perhaps when you were in school--have you  _ seen _ you?” he asked.

Riku laughed, and Ienzo did too, and finally Riku saw the awful tension leave his shoulders. “You’re not so bad yourself. So… what should we do now?”

“We could finish our walk,” he said. “I’m…  _ dizzy. _ ”

“I am too.”

Ienzo offered his hand. “Might as well. Isn’t this what people do?”

He took it. “I think so. Yeah.”

Another small burst of nervous laughter. “That was not how I expected today to go,” he said.

“Uh, yeah, I would think so,” Riku said. 

A few beats of silence. “But what about the future?”

“Let’s not think about that,” Riku said. “Why don’t we just… enjoy this?”

“...Alright.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kairi wakes up, and thinks she has a clue as to where Sora might be. Riku and Ienzo are separated.

The day had made him raw, and Ienzo was jittery. He needed to sleep, and he had a feeling they both needed to think and process what had just happened. Riku walked him to his room. “Will you be around tomorrow?” Ienzo asked. The borders between them had shifted, changed, and he wasn’t really sure what to make of it. 

He shook his head. “I actually have to go for a few days. Mickey and Yen Sid wanted to see me about the dreams. For once… having something to do…”

“No longer so appealing?” Ienzo smirked. “I see.”

“He wants to tell me what they’ve found so far, but I have a feeling… it’ll be nothing.” He sighed. “At least the food there is good.”

Ienzo laughed a little. “Travel safely,” he said. “I’d like to keep you all in one piece.”

“I don’t think that will be an issue.”

A pause, a beat. It was very clear Riku wanted to kiss him again.

Ienzo felt a flush in his face. “That’s your cue to kiss me goodnight,” he said. 

“Right. Ah--”

He did so, lightly. It was clear that learning how to do this properly would take time, but already it was less fumbling. Ienzo wanted to pull him close, to bury his hands in that long soft hair. He settled for squeezing him chastely around the waist, and kissed his forehead when they broke apart. “This is all new, I know.”

“Very,” he agreed. “So… I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes. Goodnight.” He watched him walk away before slowly easing himself over to the bed.

Well.

He felt giddy. Dizzy. He couldn’t help the uneven smile on his face. He wanted to hold onto this happiness, to understand it better, but already doubt was creeping in, self-loathing. Rather than cave into these thoughts, Ienzo… fought them.

_ You’ll corrupt him. _

He said in so many words he wants someone like me.

_ You don’t understand feelings. You’ll hurt him. _

This is new for him too.

_ What happens when Sora and Kairi come back and he leaves you in the dust? _

Does a solid year of friendship and flirting mean  _ nothing _ ? Let me have this. Please just fucking let me have this.

Ienzo blinked. Did he deserve this, this unfamiliar happiness? The sudden whisper of  _ potential _ ? “I think I do,” he whispered aloud, and felt a tear roll down his face. 

He lay down and slept heavily for the longest time he had in weeks.

* * *

With the morning sun came reality. He’d hoped to see Riku off, but he’d overslept, and the hallways where they lived seemed emptier than normal. Ienzo shook his head dazedly, shed his dirty clothes, and took a shower. His body felt unusually heavy, or maybe he was just more aware of it, aware of every bit that had been touched. When was the last time someone had touched him? Ansem’s paternal squeeze of the hand did not count. When was the last time he’d been hugged? It was all so intense, and his skin felt almost itchy, almost  _ thirsty _ . Despite warm water, he trembled, and he remained there until Dilan yelled at him through his bedroom door to save some hot water for the rest of them. 

Ienzo got out of the shower. Slowly. For once, he actually looked at himself in the mirror instead of immediately dropping his eyes. He took a deep, shaky breath. If this continued…

He drew his fingers delicately across the scar at his throat, which was still thick, angry, and pink. He’d have to tell him that  _ this _ was what the Riku replica had done. Moreover… if things went further still… there was the unfortunate reality of… He swallowed hard, forcing his eyes up from the all-too-empty space between his legs. He was getting way ahead of himself. They’d just  _ kissed _ , and that did not necessarily imply  _ more. _ He tried to draw his focus away from there, trying not to feel the utter blankness between his thighs. 

Regardless of how far things physically went, would it be prudent to tell him about this? Ienzo didn’t  _ have _ to, he knew, but just for full disclosure--

_ He can get over the reality of what you’ve done, but he can’t get over the fact that you have a-- _

Ienzo flinched inwardly, cutting the thought off. This was a silly insecurity.  _ If,  _ and only  _ if,  _ they were ready for any form of physical intimacy, he would consider the implications. That could be months--longer--away. This whole distraction might be over by then. Plenty of time to gently broach the subject of his gender. But that would mean vulnerability. Opening his tender, childish heart.

Ienzo sighed and started getting dressed. He was just slipping on his sweater vest when his phone started ringing. Even. He frowned and answered. “I know I’m late, I’m on my way--”

Even was yelling. “ _ Boy, get down here at once, she’s awake. _ ”

Oh.

_ Oh. _ “I was right,” he said dazedly, snatching his ascot and coat. He nearly forgot  _ shoes _ . He finished dressing messily and started running.

“What were you  _ right _ about?”

“I said she’d wake up at the year mark but that was conjecture--”  _ God _ , why was this place so enormous? When had he gotten so out of shape?

“Well get down here,” Even snapped, and hung up. 

Ienzo dialed a number he’d never called before. Riku picked up instantly. “She’s awake,” he said breathlessly. “She’s--”

He gasped. “I’m coming.” 

Kairi was, naturally, a bit dazed. Even was checking her vitals, and Ansem had made her a cup of coffee. Still, she was able to offer Ienzo a smile when he came into the room. “Hi Ienzo,” she said.

He tried not to wheeze for breath. “How… how are…” He coughed. “How are you feeling?”

“Ironically? Sleepy,” she said. “I… I have to tell you what I saw--”

“Take your time. Adjust to being awake,” Even said. 

“I told Riku,” Ienzo said. “He’s… he’s on his way.”

“Riku,” Kairi said, with a sigh. “How long have I been asleep? ...Do I want to know?”

Ansem and Even exchanged a glance. “Almost an entire year.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “...Really? I didn’t think--” She took a deep breath. “Wow, I… I’m so sorry.”

“ _ We _ are the ones who felt like we were failing  _ you _ ,” Ansem said.

“Get up for me? How does your body feel?” Even helped Kairi gently to her feet.

“Fine--I’m not sore, or anything…” She kept blinking, disoriented. “So many dreams. So many memories. I’m really awake?”

“Verifiably so,” Even said. “Why don’t you just relax, and adjust for a moment?”

“What did you see?” Ienzo asked.

“Sora’s memories-- _ my _ memories--”

“You saw  _ his _ memories?” Even asked.

“Yeah. It felt like I  _ was _ him… but then…” She gasped a breath. “I need Riku’s help.”

“He’s coming. You need to try to stay calm,” Ienzo said.

Kairi sat back down. Her brows were tightly knit together. 

Over the next hour or so they just tried to keep her calm, and answered her many questions as to what had happened over the past year. She was able to eat and keep it down, and physically seemed as though she had woken up from nothing more intense than a regular sleep. When Ienzo told her that Riku had been here regularly to check on her and be with her, this seemed to be some small comfort. 

Riku, too, was breathless when he finally arrived in the lab. “Kairi,” he said. “Kai--” In three steps they had gathered each other into a hard, tight hug. Ienzo tried to swallow the small, small seed of jealousy.  _ She’s his best friend. _

They let them have their moment. When they let go at long last, Kairi was crying. “Your hair. You grew it back out.”

“Uh. Yeah.”

“Thank  _ god _ . The short hair was  _ so _ not you.”

Riku chuckled, and Ienzo saw him trying to suppress tears as well. 

Even cleared his throat. “Can we please get back to the matter at hand?”

“Oh, Even,” Ansem said, slightly scolding. 

She sighed. “Right. You aren’t going to believe this.”

She told them everything.

* * *

“If you arrive in a world that’s neither of light or darkness but somewhere on the other side, your task will be far from easy?” Ienzo repeated, trying to understand. 

“Yes. He said that’s the answer.”

“Not of light or darkness, but on the other side?” Even said, spreading his hands, as if repeating it more times would make it make sense. 

“I’ve never heard of a place like that.”

“Something else he said perplexes me. “Your voice can’t reach us. I’m certain of where your heart is.”"

“You would assume that he was referring to the realm of darkness, but that clearly isn’t the case here, wouldn’t you say?”

“Where voices can’t reach…” Ansem repeated, trying to think. “The other side of our world, of reality… Unreality? A fictional world?”

“Fictional?”  _ You have got to be kidding me. _

Ansem just sighed. “I’m afraid such mysteries are beyond our comprehension.”

“Maybe Mickey or Master Yen Sid knows,” Kairi said.

“Maybe…” Riku said. “Maybe this has something to do with…” He trailed off. “Mickey had mentioned that--”

“Your dreams?” Ienzo offered.

Dazedly, he nodded. “But… how, and why--”

He didn’t get to finish the thought. A bright flash and sparkle made them all jump back. An older woman in a purple dress was suddenly standing in the middle of the lab. “Oh, excuse me dears, I certainly didn’t mean to startle you. If you’re not expecting magic, it can be a surprise.” 

Riku chuckled. “No kidding.”

“Now then. I am the Fairy Godmother. And it’s a pleasure to meet you all.”

“She came here at Yen Sid’s request. He said she’s got a clue that might help us find Sora,” Riku said.

“Yen Sid sent you?” Kairi asked.

“That’s right. To find Sora, we need three keys. First, Riku, and then of course there’s you, dear Kairi.”

“Okay.”

“With Riku’s dreams and Kairi’s memories, you two have already done your part.”

“The clue to the other world Kairi talked about,” Riku murmured. “The city…”

“A fictional world,” Ienzo said, shaking his head. 

“Yes, perhaps,” Ansem said. “The three realms of our world--light, darkness, and between--these are all places we can travel to because they are on “our side.” This also includes the worlds of memories, data, and dreams. If I am correct, then this “other side” of the world from which voices cannot reach must be a place outside of our reality. Namely, it must be unreality, or fiction. But that is the extent of our knowledge.”

_ You have got to be kidding me, _ Ienzo thought a second time.  _ Useless again. _

“So, I thought we should go to Mickey and Master Yen Sid to ask about it,” Kairi said. 

“I’m not quite sure they’ll be able to help you, my dear,” the Godmother said. 

The frustration on Riku’s face was obvious. “Then what now?”

“Oh, you forgot; there are three people who hold the key. There’s still one more. One with a strong will and a very precious dream.”

“Who is it?” Kairi asked.

“You’ll see. I’ll introduce you.” She smiled. “But… it’s best to be prepared for anything.”

Riku and Kairi looked at each other. “We should get supplies,” he said. “Just in case.”

She nodded, then turned back to the three of them. “Thank you so much for all your hard work,” she said.

Riku looked at Ienzo especially when he said, “yeah. Thank you. I can’t say it enough.”

“At least we were finally able to provide  _ something _ useful,” Even said, shaking his head. 

“We should make sure Kairi is in fighting shape before we release her into this world,” Ansem said. 

“I can help with that,” the Godmother added. “The place where we’re going isn’t dangerous, but it might lead into something beyond. Riku’s right. Best to be prepared.”

“Then I’ll go stock up,” he said. 

Ienzo exhaled a little. Right. “I might already have a few things so you don’t have to spend your money. I’ll get them for you.” It was a lame excuse, and sounded it, but nobody seemed to notice, too distracted dealing with Kairi. Once they were out of earshot, he said, “I’m sure it’s perfectly clear I have no supplies. I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling?”

He put a hand to his head. “Overwhelmed,” he admitted. “Excited? Afraid? Relieved? I don’t--I’m not even sure I  _ understand _ \--fiction? What?”

“I’m not totally sure I do either,” Ienzo admitted. “I suppose we just have to trust in this Fairy Godmother woman.”

“If she’s with Yen Sid then she’s trustworthy,” Riku said. “I just had… no idea this is what those dreams meant.”

Ienzo looked around. He couldn’t see anyone or anything. He took both of Riku’s hands and squeezed them. “Wherever you go, whatever you do, be careful,” he said. “I… what I said about wanting you in one piece. That very much stands.”

Riku smiled a little. “I’ll try.”

“And if you are able to contact me at all--though I doubt you will be able to--please do.”

“Of course.”

There was a long pause. “I shouldn’t keep you anymore,” Ienzo said. “I just… wanted to say that.”

“Thank you,” Riku said. He took a breath and pulled Ienzo close, squeezing him so tightly Ienzo felt his heart racing. He pressed a kiss against Ienzo’s forehead and then, quite quickly, his mouth, and it was a bit messy and desperate, attempting to drink each other in in this brief moment before separation. “I’ll let you know as soon as I’m back.”

“ _ In reality. _ ”

He exhaled. “Yes.”

“I hope you two can find him.”

“Me too, Ienzo. Me too.”

Ienzo hugged him one last time and watched him walk until he could no longer see him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Riku gone, and their work done, Ienzo and the others try to move on.

With their work over… with Riku and Kairi on the other side… Ienzo and the others… had to try and move on.

The lab was a disaster storm of papers and books. After everyone was gone, and after several hours heatedly discussing whatever the hell had just happened… in an exhausted haze, they cleaned up. Even was still muttering about the ridiculousness of it all, and it annoyed him and Ansem both until finally Ansem just said softly, “Even, please, I think we could all do with some silence.”

Even just shook his head and stormed off to his own labs, not, Ienzo was sure, out of anger, but out of  _ confusion. _

Ienzo kept sweeping the papers into their piles. He felt so… heavy.

“I suppose we can ask Aeleus or Dilan to help us move the chair,” Ansem said. “We could always leave it until tomorrow, eh?”

“Right,” Ienzo said.

Ansem shook his head. “One has a sensation of “what now,”” he said.

“Yes. Exactly.”

Ansem smoothed his own pile of research. “Well, I could very much go for some ice cream. What do you say?”

“...Yes… alright.”

It wasn’t until both of them had their bars in hand that the silence broke. “He’ll be okay,” Ansem said. “I’m sure of it.”

“I know he will,” Ienzo stuttered. He watched a bead of ice cream roll down the bar; he had yet to bite. Finally, he did, only to get stabbed with a pang of nostalgia. There had been a reason he’d avoided getting one of these, despite his old love for them.

_ Holding Ansem’s hand walking down the hall to the labs feeling like a very good precious boy for scoring full marks on Even’s test-- _

“Oh,” he said.

“What is it?”

“It tastes like the past.” He felt tears welling in his eyes, and wasn’t completely sure why. “It tastes like…”

Ansem patted the small of his back. “I know.”

* * *

Weeks passed, then months.

Ienzo was never quite sure of what to do with himself. Since he’d woken as this new Ienzo, he’d always had a goal, something urgent hanging over his head. First it was trying to give Roxas a body. Then it was examining Kairi’s heart. Now… pure nothing.

He tried to do some work on the repairs, limited as his knowledge of that sort of thing was. Dilan was insufferable about it, but Aeleus was patient. “It seems like a long while since we've had more than a passing conversation,” Aeleus said. “Hand me the wire cutter.”

Ienzo did. “Yes. It does, doesn’t it?”

“You were always in that lab, or on the phone. One wonders if you even slept.”

“Barely,” he admitted. “Now I feel as though… everything’s just stopped.”

“A moment to breathe,” Aeleus said. He spliced together two wires in the wall and taped them together. 

Ienzo shook his head.

“That’s not something you want?”

“I’m not used to it,” he said. “All my life I’ve been going, going, going, and now…”

Aeleus spliced together a few more wires. “Perhaps that will be good for you.”

He snorted. “Hardly.”

“It’s time for us to move on, which is no easy task. For you especially.”

“What do you mean?”

He shot him a look. “I can tell you feel overwhelmed.”

Ienzo sighed. 

“It’s understandable for human emotion to feel like too much. We’re all on the same page, Ienzo.”

“Emotions were not nearly so complex when I last remembered them,” Ienzo said.

“You grew up,” Aeleus said. 

He looked down into the toolbox. “Do you feel guilty, Aeleus?”

He paused. “I do. Yes. The memories of what we did… are everywhere.”

Ienzo nodded. Now that he had no directive to be in the lab, seeing that closed, sealed door leading down into the basement… Well. He’d started having nightmares more, about the faces of the people he’d broken, and he’d woken up sobbing more than once. How could he put it right? How could he sit here doing  _ nothing _ ? But what else could he do to help?

Mixed with these memories were others.  _ What do you think if we did this, Ienzo, is that something you’d like to do? _ He could see the manipulation more clearly now.  _ I’m sorry. Master Ansem isn’t coming back. He’s gone mad. _

“Can you try it now?”

“What?” Ienzo asked.

“The breaker.”

Ienzo switched on the panel. Immediately, the lights in the hallway got much brighter, and he winced. 

Aeleus nodded once. “Better.” He started packing up the tools. “Ienzo--”

“Yes?”

He shut his eyes tightly. “I must apologize to you,” he said. 

“Oh, Aeleus, you weren’t stealing me away from anything.”

“Not that. For… being unable to protect you better.”

“In Castle Oblivion? Aeleus, it’s all--”

“From Xehanort.”

Ienzo froze. 

“I knew there was something evil about him, something wrong,” he said. “But he knew just the right way to stoke one’s ego, the… darkness in one’s heart. If any of us had been anything but selfish we could’ve stopped you from falling onto the path too.”

He sighed. “It’s alright, Aeleus.”

“No, it’s not,” he said. “But regardless… I hope our own sins don’t hold you down.”

He wasn’t sure what else to say to that. 

“Shall we move on to the next one?”

* * *

Forgiveness.

The notion of it haunted Ienzo. He felt certain he did not deserve it from others. He hadn’t thought he’d be asked to ever  _ give _ it.

He tried not to be bitter at the others for what they’d done in their past, but the longer he spent here in this castle with these memories and nothing substantial to do, the more he tried to wrap his head around their lies. Tossing his father away and  _ lying _ to him about it. 

Ienzo made his next major task cleaning up the library. It was a disorganized, chaotic mess, and though it kept his hands busy, the silence was utterly  _ piercing. _ Had Riku and Kairi arrived at this “unreality”? Had they found Sora? Were they okay? He knew he had to trust in them both, but at the same time, he worried. Given that his bond to Riku had changed radically…

He missed him.

He felt tenderhearted, and a fool. Riku was the only real friend he’d ever had near his own age, and Ienzo did not feel secure in his relationships with the others to talk about anything really substantial. It  _ ached _ .

Time passed.

* * *

“Be careful with the nitrogen, Ienzo. I thought I’d taught you better lab etiquette.”

Ienzo sighed heavily and adjusted his grip on the canister. He was supposed to be helping put samples of… something, on ice. Even had told him what, but he couldn’t remember. Lately everything seemed to be in one ear and out the other. He felt scattered.

“Careful now.” With his hair in a cap, and the goggles making his green eyes bulge even more, Even looked a little bit like a bug.  _ What creatures we are, _ Ienzo thought. “I do so miss the days of our powers. I wouldn’t have needed to fuss with all these chemicals.”

“Do you?” Ienzo asked, carefully pouring in the fluid.

“The magic,” he said, with a sigh. “As much as I try to strengthen what I have left… it will never be as it was. That’s enough. I said that’s  _ enough. _ ”

Ienzo set the canister down. They both watched the steam roll as the nitrogen boiled, and Even shut the lab’s freezer. 

“Indeed, what has gotten  _ into _ you?” Even asked. “You were never one for absent daydreaming.”

“I’m sorry, Even,” he said dully.

He frowned. He took off his goggles and gloves and went over to the sink to wash his hands. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yes. Fine.”

“Will I need Aeleus to drag you to bed again?”

He scowled. “No.”

Even took off the cap, a long braid falling over his shoulders. Not for the first time, Ienzo noticed that the ends of that hair were  _ singed _ . He caught Ienzo staring and raised an eyebrow. “How have… things been for you?” he asked awkwardly.

“What do you mean? The days are the same as they ever were.”

“Are they?” Even asked. “I’ve been seeing you wander the halls aimlessly. If you need something to  _ do _ , Ienzo, we can catch up on your chemistry education.”

He shook his head slowly. “With… no life or death task at hand… lately I feel as though… I’m stuck in mud.” He started shedding his own protective garments. 

“That’s no surprise. I do too.” He sighed. “To suddenly be thrust back into a normal life… is to suddenly be thrust back into a normal life. After some ten years of abnormality.”

“...Quite.” He recalled when he was a child, and he'd felt quite comfortable telling Even everything.

Even, in fact, had been the one to tell him about Ansem. “What does that look mean?” Even asked.

Ienzo frowned. “I’m… curious. Why did you do it?”

“What? These samples? I’m exploring a new type of replica tech for Xion, Roxas, and Na--”

“Not that. Why did you lie to me all those years ago?”

All of the color left Even’s face, and the only audible sound was the soft hum of the machinery.

Ienzo pulled the bobby pins from his bangs. “I don’t ask this to be confrontational,” he said. “I just… truly, the more time passes, the more I want to know.”

Even squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. “The truth, the whole, complete truth… is that I feared for our lives.”

Ienzo rolled his eyes.

“I mean it,” Even said in a low voice. “Even with darkness gnawing at our hearts, do you think we didn’t  _ know _ Xehanort was twisted? That we didn’t  _ know _ what we were doing was wrong? The thing is… with darkness… with sheer old-fashioned cognitive dissonance… we believed that the discoveries we were making… offset the human cost.” He sighed, and sat down heavily on one of the stools. 

Ienzo waited. 

“He wanted more subjects,” Even said tiredly. “Once we had run through our mill of the willing… then the coerced… after that, Ansem had found us out. And that he had… well. We were hungry. If Ansem didn’t  _ disappear, _ and the experiments didn’t continue, he would instead use  _ us _ . Namely… you. He was interested in children by then.”

Ienzo felt weak.

“It’s the hardest, and worst, decision I’ve ever made in my life,” Even continued, “Seeing we obviously became experiments ourselves. But I think the three of us were…  _ trying _ … to protect you in the last way our twisted and darkening hearts could. It was Ansem or you and I chose you.”

He felt dizzy.

“I shouldn’t have lied, I know that much. Or even if I lied I should’ve told you the truth soon afterwards, when you could take it. But I was deathly afraid of word of you knowing somehow getting back to Xehanort. I’m not sure  _ why _ that felt so urgent. Maybe you would’ve said something ill against him, and you were so  _ small _ , I was afraid he’d…” He swallowed. “Ienzo, I’m not sure how I can impart to you how sorry I am. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. If I could go back right now and stop it all I would. I was vain, I was foolish, I thought it was… all worth it. But none of it was. Nothing.”

Ienzo had never seen this side of Even before. 

“And yet somehow we’re still alive,” he continued wryly. “We’re alive. We’re whole. Somehow the town hasn’t come after us with torches and pitchforks. That has to mean something. I… plan to dedicate whatever’s left of my life to making things better, easier, for the people of this town. I know it’s some hope.”

“I see,” he said, numbly. “Thanks for that.”

“It’s because of all that you grew up a husk,” Even murmured. “And for that… I’m sorry, Ienzo.”

Ienzo realized he didn’t forgive him. Not yet. “I know,” he said.

Even stood. “I think you, out of all of us especially, get to deserve to try for something like happiness,” he said.

“You do?” he asked dryly. “But I… even  _ I _ have done awful things--”

“Things you wouldn’t have done, I’m certain, if we hadn’t guided you onto that path,” Even said.

“Don’t exonerate me,” Ienzo said, with something like panic.

“It’s the truth,” he said. “You can’t expect your younger self to have magically risen above. If you’d gone against us, Ienzo, with no Ansem, where would you have gone? Would you have known how to survive?”

Something tight and hot surged in his breast and throat. 

“You wouldn’t have,” Even said. “You were a… a rather sheltered child. Ienzo, I just… I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. You’re too young to suffer your whole life.”

He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was being crushed from the inside out. He found himself being eased onto one of the stools. He was sobbing, disjointedly, an awful aching weight inside of him beginning to lift because  _ Even was right. _

“Oh dear. That made it worse, not better, didn’t it,” Even said. He offered Ienzo a tissue.

“No,” he sobbed. “I… I think I understand.”

“Let it out,” he said. “Let it go.”

So Ienzo did. Awful, and humiliating, but at the same time a weird pressure was beginning to ease. Even rubbed circles into his back. It seemed to take a long, long time, and when he was through he felt exhausted, but not as horrible as he thought.

“There we go,” Even said, in a voice Ienzo remembered from his childhood. “Better?”

Ienzo swallowed. “I… I think so.”

* * *

Ienzo… took time. He walked a lot, even as the fall deepened into winter into spring. He read a lot of novels and kept doing repairs and tried to understand what it meant to be human.

Ienzo missed Riku.

Nobody had heard from any of them since the last he’d seen. He thought often of their kiss, what it had made him feel. Wondered if he would ever get to do it again, or if it were just a memory. Wondered what exactly this affection meant. More than like, more than attraction. Surely not love, not yet? He tried not to dwell on it much, tried to let the feeling pass like it was a bad cold. But it didn’t.

He was dozing over a pile of books in the library when his phone rang. It was late at night, so late as to be early. Sleepily, he stirred to look at the caller ID, and his heart jackhammered into his throat. He looked--he was sure he looked absolutely hideous--he scrambled to smooth the hair over his face. “Hello?”

The lighting on Riku’s video was awful, but Ienzo could see most of his face, some of it partially obscured by hair that had gotten even longer. He looked a bit thin, and very tired. “Ienzo. Ienzo.”

“You’re back.” He couldn’t restrain the emotion anymore.

“I’m back. I’m home.”

“You’re okay?” They were nearly talking over each other.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I just got in, I just saw my parents, I knew I had to talk to you.  I wanted to. I needed to. I…” He sounded choked up. 

“How are your friends? Did you find him? Are they okay?”

“Sora and Kairi are fine. They’re with their families. We’re home.”

“You’re home. It’s okay. You’re okay.” He wasn’t sure if he was stating a fact or trying to comfort him.

“I’m sorry I’m so emotional--”

“No, don’t be, this is huge.” Ienzo swallowed his own tears. “It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too.”

A long pause. “You must be exhausted,” Ienzo said. “You should try to get some rest.”

“I just wanted to let you know I’m here.”

“Thank you.” He wondered if he should admit it. “I’ve… thought of you often.”

He laughed. Ienzo noted it sounded quite weak. “What, did you miss me?”

“Much to my chagrin.” His heart was in his throat. “Though I guess you were too busy adventuring to think of me at all.”

His face fell just the slightest.

“I’m… I’m sorry. That was a bit tactless.”

“It’s not you,” Riku said. “It’s just… it was really… a lot, I’m still… trying to accept how it all went down.” He took an audible breath. “But I did miss you. Kairi… wouldn’t let me live it down. Guess we didn’t seem so slick.”

He laughed a little. 

“I’m not even sure how long it’s been for you guys, between the… the worldines, and the unreality, and the… I’m  _ dizzy. _ ”

“Six months.”

“...Oh. Wow, that’s… more than I thought.”

“I’m just so glad you’re alright. I’ve been worried. You made me worried.”

He laughed. “Well you don’t have to worry anymore.”

“I guess not.” He didn’t quite feel the relief yet, still shaky with adrenaline. “Thanks for calling. You didn’t have to do it  _ instantly. _ ”

“I sorta did,” Riku said. “I wanted to let you know.”

“When things… settle, when you get some rest. Will you call again? Or write me? Tell me what exactly you’ve gone through?”

“Yes. I will, I’m just… I should… talk to my parents, my mom’s watching me out of the backdoor to make sure I don’t disappear.”

“Of course. Be with your family. Be home. I hope you can enjoy it.”

“...Thank you. Um--”

“Until next time.”

“Right. Yes.”

He hung up, and for a long time Ienzo just sat starting at the blank phone screen. He let out a long, long sigh. 

Riku was back. Riku hadn’t forgotten about… whatever they’d had. He’d made it a priority.

Ienzo hugged the phone to his chest, feeling like a schoolboy. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On different worlds, Ienzo and Riku write each other letters.

Ienzo,

Sorry for the radio silence over the past few days, but things have literally been so insane I haven’t had a minute to myself to write this note. My mom is barely letting me out of her sight--not that I can blame her. She goes between being outraged to dropping everything and hugging me. She wants to know everything, and I’m trying to tell her as much as I can, but still editing the most… incriminating parts until she’s ready. You understand. Even when I was home before we never got into it. 

I haven’t even really had time to enjoy being home. I’ve had to see family, friends, and they all want to know where I’ve disappeared to. People all over town, too, want to know what happened and where I went. A lot of people assumed that I’d gotten myself killed.

Including my parents. That was, and still is, the hardest thing I’ve had to accept. Starting to grieve someone and just beginning to make progress only to learn they’re alive… I feel so guilty. Now I wish I’d gone back home during Kairi’s year of sleep, even for a little while.

I’ll tell you more about what happened, but I just wanted to… start to get a status update. “Any news?” How are you? How have you been? What are you and the guys up to? 

Write soon,

Riku

* * *

Dear Riku,

Thanks for your text. Of course I understand how overwhelming everything must be, and this was an unusual homecoming. I just hope it’s been more joyful than bittersweet, though I fear it’s the latter. I’m hoping this transition becomes less of a traumatic one for you. And even if it is… well. I am an impartial ear.

Correction--a somewhat impartial ear. I will yell at, and/or make fun of, anyone who gives you grief.

Do tell me about Sora and Kairi. Things must be dazzling for Sora especially--I can only imagine what sort of journey he’s gone through, and I’m probably wrong. Hopefully the three of you get to spend some time together, just relaxing and being friends. It’s the least of what you deserve.

I, on the other hand, don’t have much worth reporting. I’m continuing to work with Aeleus and Dilan on the repairs, helping Even with his various little experiments. I’m trying to figure out where I would be most helpful, but that has been somewhat difficult. I’m sure you can sympathize. It’s finally starting to get warm again here. 

If I ever quit faffing about and find something worth writing about I’ll let you know…

Yours,

Ienzo

* * *

Ienzo,

Ha ha. For some reason I don’t believe you’ve been as lazy as you said you’ve been. Though part of me hopes you have. You deserve a little rest too.

On the topic of rest…

Right after I got your letter the puppet strings that have been keeping me awake since I got home snapped. I fell asleep on the living room couch and didn’t wake up for thirty-six hours. Mom was hysterical; she thought something was really wrong with me and took me to the doctor (which, considering how long it’s been since I’ve been home for any length of time, was my pediatrician. Awkward.). But the doctor just said what I told her, that I just needed to  sleep . And sleep, and sleep… maybe it’s my turn to sleep for a year. Ha ha. 

Yeah, yeah. Spare me your lectures. I’ve been so wired that even when I tried, I couldn’t sleep. 

Sora and Kairi are doing as okay as they can. Of the three of us, I think Kairi’s bounced back the quickest. She’s already talking about re-enrolling in school to catch up. Considering she’s the mayor’s daughter, it made the news when she got back. She’s like a celebrity, though because she’s Kairi and she’s perfect, she’s got it under control. I mean that with no sarcasm whatsoever.

Sora…

As you can probably tell by me skirting around the subject, Sora… isn’t completely okay. Physically, he’s fine. Healthy. But it’s… between the Keyblade War, and what he experienced alone while we were all, very briefly, dead (which, remind me to tell you about that if I haven’t, because it is a trip.). He’s been ALONE for so long. I’ve never seen him so shaken, and he’s so  quiet . Talk to him and he tries to be all smiles, of course, but a few of us were at the beach and instead of being all up in the middle of it like he usually is, he was sitting aside… alone. Kairi’s been trying to gently pry, but he keeps saying he’s okay. A tired act I think all of us know well by now. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. What kind of therapist here would get what he’s gone through, anyway? The most we can do is be there, and keep on top of him, and hope he heals and processes over time. Makes me feel like a shitty best friend, but the emotional stuff was never my forte.

Sleepily yours,

Riku

* * *

My sleepyhead,

Hopefully by the time you get this you’re actually conscious. You had a long ordeal. Physically, emotionally, of course you’re exhausted. I hope you’re actually listening to it instead of pushing through. Been there. Done that. It is not worth it. You’re probably also still growing, believe it or not. The human male keeps growing and developing until twenty-five, and unless my knowledge of Destiny Island’s time stream is way off, you’re not exactly there yet.

I’m glad Kairi is doing well, and taking all of that in stride. If it were me I would’ve thrown in the towel long ago. I think school would be good. A taste of normalcy. You three deserve to get back to your lives… whatever that means. Or at least rest a while before finding greener pastures elsewhere. 

It’s disheartening, but not surprising, that Sora feels the way he does. Like I said, I can only imagine what he might have gone through. Though I don’t like it when you say you’re a shitty friend when I watched you struggle to save your friends for a literal year. You’re too hard on yourself, Riku. Being there, after everything else you did for him, is enough. Make sure to take time for yourself too. Though if Sora’s condition deteriorates, do let me know. I’ll see if I have any sort of psychological resource which might help him more than just a standard therapist with no notion of the greater World outside. Hopefully he’ll start to feel more himself once he settles back down.

This… very brief death occurrence you were referring to intrigues me. What was all that about? Fortunately it seems to not have stuck, but regardless, I felt my heart jump into my throat when I read it. 

The others have been asking after you, Ansem especially. He says to “send his regards” and I promise it’s friendlier than it sounds.

I wonder, do you have sea salt ice cream where you are? It’s the height of summer and Scrooge McDuck is out. None of my cohorts here are willing to share. It’s been war.

Craving sea salt,

Ienzo

* * *

To the insatiable sweet tooth--

No, as a matter of fact, we do not have that particular sea salt ice cream here. If we want it, we have to go off-world. There are other, more native flavors which you might like, like dragon fruit or star fruit. (It’s mostly fruit. Sorry, we’re islanders.)

Sora seems to be doing a little bit better. Roxas, Xion, and them came to visit, which seemed to brighten his spirits, or at least distract him. Sometimes he still stares off into the distance and he’s not quite as chatty. This is going to take a long time.

As for the death thing… well, part of why Sora disappeared was because he went back in time to save us after the dark prophecy was fulfilled and the Demon Tide killed us… apparently. Even  I  can’t keep it all straight in my head, and it happened to me. He changed the flow of time to save us, and “abusing” the power of waking to save Kairi was the final straw. I… don’t like thinking about it much. It makes me feel sick.

Mundane life feels weird. I do chores around the house, and I mow lawns for some pocket change. Can you imagine it? The magic would make it easy, but it also unsettles people, so I do it with a mower. I had to go to social services to get an ID and we waited in line for two. Hours. I almost went insane. But at least it no longer has the awful picture it did when I started high school.

Speaking of, mom wants me to re-enroll right away, and dad wants me to do night school and speed through a general high school degree. I’m not sure how I feel about it, honestly. Kairi and Sora are excited, and I think it’ll be good for them. Maybe I’ll take a year, or do it online, or something. Though I’m sad to say my computer literacy isn’t nearly as good as yours.

How are you feeling in the castle? It must be summer for you guys there, too, though I imagine there aren’t beaches or anything. I didn’t see any. Do you have any summer activities? Or do you just sit in the library with a moldering old paperback all day?

Gainfully employed,

Riku

* * *

Dear Riku,

Thank you for satisfying my curiosity about that experience. I knew time travel was a factor in Sora’s disappearance--but I didn’t think it went like that for all of you. Terrifying. Awful.

A fantastic way to start a correspondence.

To answer the question… no, there are no “beaches” in terms of ocean beaches, but when I was a boy Radiant Garden did have springs on the far edges of town, as well as public pools. I was not allowed to go to them much--Even was rather neurotic--but yes, they do exist. Did exist. The restoration committee has it on their very, very long list. The paths down to the springs probably need some maintenance.

That is to say, when not in the lab I am sweating and thinking of cooler days. Though I know this might feel borderline chilly for you. Indifference to temperature is one of the few things on my waning list of what I miss from being a Nobody. 

I’m glad you have some way to fill your days… that, and the idea of you working outside appeals to me. I imagine it must bore you. 

I don’t spend ALL of my days in the library. Just most of them, lately, as am still trying to get this place even the slightest bit organized. If I had the resources I’d digitize everything. It’d make life so much easier. But I am one person with one computer and there are thousands upon thousands of books here. As a boy I used to have the fantasy of reading all of them before I turned eighteen. But, alas, that has not happened, and some of the texts are too boring, or in another language, or are too fragile to be handled. I clearly had very interesting ideas of leisure. 

I still have not been able to get my hands on any decent ice cream.

Unsatisfied,

Ienzo

* * *

Ienzo,

I wanted to talk about this earlier but I had to get things settled in terms of my room. (Long story. Not a fun story.) Would you ever consider visiting? I could come get you. My parents are okay with it. In fact, they for some reason link you with me coming home, which I guess is true. You did help us get the clue Kairi needed. Either way, you’ve already made a good impression.

(If it’s not clear, I miss you.)

I can take you to a real beach. Show you around, not that there’s a whole lot to see. A change of scenery might be nice. Sora and Kairi want to hang out, too. Sora says hi. 

If you’re busy, of course, I can come to you. But I know you’ve been there a long time, and there’s not always good memory there. 

No pressure. Let me know.

Riku

* * *

Riku,

I think you may be on the right track with a change of scenery. I’m afraid what little wit I had left me, and when I was explaining to the others I’d like to visit, it became clear very quickly that our relationship is more than surface level. For that, I’m sorry.

However… the more I think about it, the more appealing it is. Even doing nothing--with you--is better than sitting here doing nothing by myself. 

That is to say I miss you too.

I can be ready whenever is most convenient. I’m sorry for making you come all this way, though.

Ienzo

* * *

Ienzo,

Please, the flight will give me a few hours’ of peace and quiet. It’s been great spending all this time with friends and family, but… I feel kind of suffocated sometimes. Besides, I better keep my piloting skills in tip-top shape. Sora’s mad that I’m better at it than him. What can I say, it’s one of my many natural talents. Along with gardening, apparently. 

Bring light clothes; it’s HOT here. And sunscreen. I mean it. 

Looking forward to seeing you, and talking to you, in person.

Yours, Riku


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo arrives in Destiny Islands, and experiences quite a bit of culture shock.

It was raining in Radiant Garden when Riku arrived. He very nearly had trouble with visibility and the ship skidded a little when he touched down. He swore.

He'd offered his friends the opportunity to come along, on the one hand trying to get Sora interested in something, but he just said to "enjoy time with your boyfriend" with an eyebrow waggle.

He and Kairi had both been merciless, teasing him about it. Neither seemed that concerned he was dating someone who used to be Zexion. They both said Ienzo was a great guy. "Dating." They hadn't been on a date; he could fix that. They hadn't also called it that in so many words. Ienzo had, in his letter. 

Riku's heart was racing. He checked himself one last time, making sure his hair looked alright in its ponytail.

Ienzo was waiting under an outcropping, a small duffle next to him. Riku dashed out of the rain as quickly as he could. “Beautiful day, isn’t it,” he said to Riku, and Riku noted that the subtleties of his tone had not carried over to the letters.

“Just perfect,” he said, feeling at a bit of loss for words. He was here, he could touch him.

There was a beat, a moment. Ienzo cleared his throat a little. “I’m not a mirage,” he said.

Riku chuckled. “Right.”

A bit awkwardly, Ienzo pulled him close. Riku got the notion that he didn’t hug much, and it probably didn’t feel natural to initiate. But it felt good, too good, to hold him, to breathe in his smell. He didn’t want to pull away, not yet. “It feels like ages, and yet an instant,” Ienzo said. “Let me look at you.” He pulled away and brushed his fingers across Riku’s cheek. “Your hair grows  _ preternaturally _ fast.”

“Tell me about it,” he said. Riku realized for the first time that he was, in fact, now slightly taller than Ienzo.

Ienzo just stared at him as though he might disappear. Riku wondered if this time had been lonely, or difficult, for him. Ienzo cleared his throat a little. “Enough of the longing gazes for now, I think.”

“Right. Ah. But first.” He kissed him, and for a second they melted against each other. It felt exactly like Riku remembered. “Not sure I could’ve flown straight if I didn’t do that.”

“Well if it’s all in the guise of safety,” Ienzo said. “Do you need anything before we leave? Are you hungry?”

“I brought snacks,” he said. “Let me get your--” He picked up the bag. 

“What a gentleman.”

They walked quickly through the rain back into the ship. “As many times as I’ve seen the inside of this on a video, I’ve never  _ actually _ seen it,” Ienzo said. “It’s quite a lot smaller than I thought.”

“Yeah, no idea how the three of them managed,” Riku said. “You should see the size of the bunk rooms. But Sora’s a half-pint. You want to nose around a moment, go for it.”

“...I think I shall.”

Riku watched him poke around, looking into the tiny rooms, almost hitting his head on the door frames. His eyes were alight with curiosity. “These  _ are _ so small,” he said. 

“Sora always said they tried to avoid sleeping in it if they could.”

“I don’t blame them.” He turned back. “Well. Thanks for that. Should I just--”

“Sit wherever,” he said. “You only really need the straps for takeoff. It’s really safe.”

“...Quite.” He sat to Riku’s right and did up his harness. “Here we go, then.”

He smirked. “You nervous?”

“No,” he said. “But consider I’ve never much been off the ground.”

“It’s okay. I won’t kill us.”

“How reassuring.”

The takeoffs and the landings were always Riku’s favorite part, partially because it required the most input from him. Seeing the worlds disappear beneath him, and feeling the g-forces, was always a bit of a thrill. He tried to do so as gently as possible, keenly aware that as a first time flyer part of Ienzo’s calm was staged. He had his hands clenched very tightly in his lap. But once they were actually in the quiet of space, this seemed to disappear. “Is that really it?” Ienzo asked softly, gazing down at the world. 

“Cool, isn’t it?”

“This is bizarre. It’s so… small.” He pressed his hand gently against the windshield. “Huh.”

Riku let him have the moment. “You’ll see more as we go along,” he said. “But it’s mostly a lot of rubble.”

“From the Fracture, I’m sure.”

“Could be.” He turned away and set the course. “We’ve got a good few hours before we get there.”

Ienzo undid the straps and settled more comfortably. “Is it very hard, to fly?”

Riku laughed. “No,” he said, and to demonstrate he lifted his hands from the controls, seeing Ienzo pale. “Aside from takeoffs and landings it pretty much flies itself. All of the positioning gummies. You wanna try?”

Riku could see him debating it. “Maybe on the way back.”

“All I have to do is keep an eye on the radar. If we’re lucky we might see some Heartless ships, but they’re generally getting rarer and rarer.”

“Do you fight them?”

“Yeah. There’s lasers, and a shield, the whole nine. Sora has it tricked out pretty good. Most of them are weak, anyway.”

Ienzo leaned over a little more to see the dash.

“There are other ways to travel around, but this is the most comfortable,” Riku said. “Using the lanes between… it’s like a motorcycle versus a car.”

“I’m going to pretend I’ve experienced either of those things.”

Riku chuckled. “Right. Well, you’ll see some of that on DI.”

He was quiet for a moment. “This is one of the first times I’ve physically travelled anywhere,” he said. “Whenever I… went to other worlds, I just… used a dark corridor. All it took was a few steps.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Travelling? Yes. Darkness? No. Always a stink that’s hard to get rid of.” He wrinkled his nose. “I haven’t been anywhere since I’m human again. ...And that’s nearly two years.”

“...I can’t exactly say the same.”

They chatted for a while longer, about nothing much, mostly about Riku’s new life back home. He was more excited than he thought to show Ienzo around, to give him a taste of normalcy as well. “Though it’s going to be a whole lot hotter than you’re used to,” he said. “Like, don’t be shy to tell me it’s too much. We can go back into the AC.”

Ienzo laughed. “It’s a good thing I like you.”

Riku felt his face flush. He tried to come up with something witty to say quickly. “...You said you had to tell your friends something to leave.”

“Yes. Well.” Ienzo leaned back and crossed his legs. “In their minds, one must always have a  _ reason _ to go somewhere. Leisure isn’t exactly in their codebook. I said I wanted to check in with Sora and Kairi, make sure everything was alright, learn what I could about your journey. Ansem already knew, and asked if I would be visiting you, too. It was only a hop-skip-and-jump before the others figured it out. It… shocked them that I’d even wanted to pursue a relationship of any kind.”

“Why? You’re grown up.”

“To a degree they’re used to who I  _ was _ , not who I am.”

Riku frowned and checked the radar. “I know how that is.”

Ienzo smiled. “I know you do. Does it bother you that I said something?”

“No. Not at all. Sora and Kairi have been teasing me about it. They think it’s hilarious. I’ve never really… shown that I had a crush on someone.”

“You have a crush on me? How sweet.”

“I’ve literally kissed you.”

The rest of the flight went smoothly, and Riku saw the familiar blue sphere emerge. “Ah, there it is,” he said. “Look.”

“How pretty.” He was already strapping himself in.

“We’re landing down on the play island. It’s basically the only inconspicuous place I can keep this thing. But it’s not far from there. And we’re a good few hours ahead of you for time, I think.” 

“I see.”

His friends had helped him build the makeshift landing pad. The earth of it was different than the rest of the island, and they were on the far side where the ship couldn’t easily be seen from the mainland. The touchdown was easy. “Here we are.”

“I guess so,” Ienzo murmured. 

“Ready?”

“Quite.”

He took Ienzo’s bag, and they started walking.

“You said this was a play island?”

“Oh, yeah. When we were kids we spent hours and hours here. Now we hang out here.” He pointed out the main landmarks; the shack, the waterfall, the treehouses. “It’s… a good place to come if you need to be alone. Lots of nooks and crannies.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“We’ll take my boat back to the mainland. From there it’s about half a mile walk.”

“A mile?”

“Right… uh…” He struggled to remember metrics. “Almost a kilometer. About ten minutes, fifteen if people stop us. Which they might. Sorry in advance.” He helped Ienzo down into the rowboat. 

“Stop us?”

“Well, it’s a small island,” he said. “Everyone knows everyone, and everyone’s been chatting me up since I got back. A new face is gonna be interesting to them.” He started rowing. The surf was nice and gentle today, making it easy. He noticed Ienzo’s eyes flick to his arms and felt a flush of pride. “We’ll be staying with my parents.”

“Oh, I don’t mean to impose, I brought money for an inn--”

“Ienzo, no,” Riku said, with a small laugh. “You even bringing that up is gonna seem rude to my mom.”

“Oh… is that cultural?”

“I guess so?” He shrugged. “She loves entertaining, too. Besides, you might decide you want to stay longer than the amount of money you have.”

“I see--I didn’t even bring a hostess gift--”

“It’s alright,” Riku said. “That doesn’t matter here either. People  _ like _ to host. They don’t expect you to do anything other than have a good time.”

He looked a bit embarrassed. 

“Relax,” Riku said. “It’s going to be fine.” They were at the dock at last. He docked and helped Ienzo back out, taking his bag from him. The sun was starting to set now, casting the shore in pinks and reds. 

“Oh…” Ienzo said. “That is lovely.”

“It kinda is,” Riku said. He rested a hand on Ienzo’s waist, and though he jerked a little at the touch, he leaned into it. “You know, I’ve seen a lot of sunsets here. But they’re always something.”

Ienzo nodded. After a few minutes, they headed up the shore to the road. They were standing close enough that their shoulders nearly touched, and Riku’s heart was beating hard. He wanted to touch him. He  _ needed _ to. He reached out, groping for Ienzo’s hand, found it at last. Again, he jumped a little.

“I’m sorry--”

“No, I’m just not… used to it,” Ienzo said, squeezing his hand gently. 

It was  _ nice _ , walking up the road hand-in-hand like this.  _ With my boyfriend, _ Riku thought. The streets were emptier at this hour than he thought, but then he remembered. “Oh, right, there’s a game going on.”

“A game?”

“Blitzball. On TV. I think it’s the playoffs. Well, better for us.”

“What is blitzball and what is TV,” Ienzo asked, not humorlessly. 

Riku sighed and explained.

“Oh, almost like volleyball,” Ienzo said, with no explanation of what this was. “Though this TV intrigues me.”

“Well, I have one in my room, so we can watch later if you feel up to it.” If his parents didn’t chat them up until dawn. 

They turned onto his street. The houses were fairly close together, with small patches of lawn. Ienzo looked around at it all, his eyes wide, curious. His eyebrows shot up when a car drove past them. 

“That’s a car,” Riku said. “We use them to get around on land.”

“Fascinating. I’ve seen them on other worlds, but this looks different. How does it work?”

“Um…” He struggled to remember. “Well, they’re solar powered, so the sun charges the batteries, and the batteries… help make the engine go.” He laughed a little. “I don’t know anything about engines.”

“Do you know how to drive?”

“No. I don’t really need to. Almost everything is within walking distance, and if it isn’t, you can take the bus. Er. It’s a car that has room for lots of people, and takes them along a route.”

“Like a streetcar,” Ienzo said. “Radiant Garden used to have those.” He sighed. “I knew our worlds were different, but I didn’t realize… how much. I’m already sweating.”

“And this is night,” Riku said. “Wait til tomorrow.” He took his house keys out of his pocket. He could use the Keyblade, but that seemed weird, and extra. “This one.” The house looked like any on the street; a simple two-storey, three bedroom, with a small offshoot over the garage. The siding was a bright teal, and his mother’s well-groomed strelitzias were in full bloom. 

“It’s cute,” Ienzo said. “Cozy.”

“I’ll give you “cozy.”” He laughed. “Alright. Prepare yourself.”

Ienzo sighed. 

He put his key in the lock. Predictably, the door flew open before he could even twitch them. “Welcome home!” His mother said. “So glad you made it back in one piece.” She gave Riku a painfully tight hug. “You must be Ienzo. Oh, hello, dear, welcome to the islands.” Before Riku could stop her she’d swept him into a hug, too, and Riku saw the brief spasm of panic. “Sorry, I’m a hugger.”

Ienzo coughed a little. “Ah. Hello. Pleasure to meet you.”

“We’re so happy to have any friend of Riku’s.” She’d finally let go of him but was holding his hands tightly. “Dinner’s almost ready. You two must be starving after your long trip.”

“Sounds lovely,” Ienzo said dazedly. “Thanks so much.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “ _ Matsu! _ Your son’s back!”

“Watching the game?” Riku asked.

“ _ Glued. _ All afternoon.” She rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you two get settled and I’ll call you when it’s ready?”

A tall, slender man--Riku’s father--came out of the room. He had a well-groomed mustache, his hair close cropped to his scalp. “Smooth ride?” he asked.

“Went off without a hitch,” Riku said. “Dad, this is Ienzo. Ienzo, this is my dad, Matsuda.”

“Nice to meet you, sir,” Ienzo said, offering his hand. Riku saw how hard and how firm his father took it and winced.

“You know when Riku said you were from another world I was imagining a little green guy, but you look pretty normal,” he said.

“Dad,” Riku said. “I told you about the One Sky thing.”

Ienzo laughed politely, a little stiffly. “I’m very much human.”

“Well I think that’s good. Can I get you something to drink? We have it all.”

“...Drink?”

“He means alcohol,” Riku said, rolling his eyes. “Dad, don’t make Ienzo drink if he doesn’t want to.”

“Er…” Ienzo clearly wasn’t sure what the right answer was.

“You know what, I’ll get you two a cassis.” He disappeared into the den, where the liquor was.

“You okay?” Riku asked. “I’m sorry they both grabbed you like that. We’re… feelers, here.”

Ienzo shook his head. “I’m sorry, this is all new to me.”

“It’s okay. I think they both understand. They’re just trying to be friendly.” Riku kicked himself both for not preparing Ienzo better and for not telling his parents to  _ chill. _

Matsuda came back a minute later with two highballs of cassis orange. “Be careful with these,” he said, with a wink.

“Dad,” Riku said. 

“Alright, alright, I’ll let you two get settled.”

Riku bobbed his head towards the garage door. “We’re up through here.”

“Does this have something to do with that long story?”

He sighed. “Yes.”

* * *

Ienzo followed Riku up a set of stairs to another door, which Riku unlocked. The drink was cold in his hand, and felt awkward to carry up. “Here we go,” he said. 

It looked to be more of a studio apartment than a bedroom. There was an alcove opposite the door, which was just wide enough for a double bed. The alcove had a large window which faced the sea. Next to it was a tall dresser with a lamp. To Ienzo’s right was a small kitchenette, with a minifridge, a hot plate, a coffee maker, and a toaster oven. On the left was a sofa, which had been made up neatly with sheets and a few pillows. Near it was what looked to be a computer screen on a small stand, powered off, but with no accompanying console. The walls were a plain gray, and unadorned, and there were a few boxes labeled “RIKU--SAVE” shoved in one corner. The dark hardwood floors were clearly beautiful, but needed a good refinish. Everything smelled very clean, though there wasn’t anything that said anything about Riku as a person. “You have your own apartment,” Ienzo said.

“Ah--yeah, sort of.” Riku set down the duffle next to the couch. “I… used to have a bedroom in the main house, but then I disappeared, and my parents… went to grief counseling.” He turned red and couldn’t meet Ienzo’s eyes. “They were told it would help if they packed away my things, and they sold my furniture. They would’ve remade my room downstairs, but dad works from home now, so he kind of needs it as an office.” He cleared his throat. “This used to be my grandma’s apartment before she passed. They didn’t have the heart to rent it out, or anything.”

“Oh,” Ienzo said, very quietly.

“I like it, though,” he said. “Being close to them, but not too close. Having a sliver of independence.”

“I can see that.”

“We used to have an air mattress, but mice got to it. I hope the couch will be okay until we can get a new one.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” It was cooler in here, but not cool enough. Ienzo didn’t anticipate sleeping well anyway. He was still a bit shaky. He took a sip of the drink, found it went down easily.

“You don’t have to drink that,” Riku said.

“It’s tasty.”

He smiled a little. “He meant what he said when he said to be careful. He makes drinks strong.”

“Your parents. Do they know about us?”

“Yeah, I’m out,” Riku said. “Mom probably just didn’t want to push it.”

“And they’re okay with… us staying in the same room?” It made him blush just thinking about it, even if this was in the most innocent sense of the word. 

Riku blushed too. “I know I said they’re suffocating me, but when I’m up here they try to give me privacy,” he said. “I don’t think they, uh, care what I do so long as I’m happy. And here. I’m an adult, after all.”

“Right. Understood.” Ienzo drank down more of the cocktail, partially because he was thirsty. 

“...I hope you’re hungry. Mom cooks  _ a lot _ , and I’m sure she’ll use you as an excuse to pull out all the stops. Show you _ islander _ cuisine and all that.”

He smiled a little. “Sounds lovely.”

A few moments later they were summoned. Riku’s house was similarly styled in bright colors, with a full living room. There was a shelf full of photos of Riku, and Ienzo couldn’t help his curiosity. “Oh, god, don’t,” Riku said quickly.

Ienzo smirked. “Look at you. Was this when you were a  _ baby _ ? Look how fat your cheeks were.”

He turned redder than the drink in his hand. “I think she put these out specifically because you were coming.”

“I think it’s sweet.” He reached out and touched the frame in question. He felt a sudden stab of melancholy and wondered if there were any photos of  _ him _ when he were little, if he’d have had this type of life if his parents hadn’t passed--

“Boys? Dinner’s ready.” Riku’s mother was slender and very beautiful; he looked more like her than his father. She brushed her hands off on her apron. Riku brought him through to the dining room.

The table was low to the ground, and there were no chairs, just small cushions. Most of the table was cluttered with lots and lots of small bowls of all sorts of things, some of which Ienzo could identify, some he couldn’t. He saw kimchi and poi, meats in some kind of sweet sauce, something that looked like dim sum. The mixture was eclectic but somehow it seemed to work, to make sense. And it all smelled delicious. He realized that, between the travel and being afraid to meet Riku’s parents, he was actually ravenous. “Oh no, you didn’t have to go to all this trouble for me,” Ienzo said.

“It was no trouble at all, dear,” she said. 

“Mariko loves to cook,” his father said. “Besides, we’ll eat on it for the week.”

“Go ahead. Sit down.”

Ienzo did. It felt a little odd to be so low to the ground. “So you sort of take a little of what you want and use the same plate,” Riku told him. 

There was also a pitcher of something pink that was passed around that he was also told was mildly alcoholic. Ienzo waited for the others to serve themselves before quickly taking at least a bite of everything onto his plate. But nobody ate. Instead, Riku’s mother and father both offered him one of their hands. 

“They like to say a prayer first,” Riku said, a little embarrassed. 

“Oh,” Ienzo said. “Sorry.”

Joined in an odd little circle, Matsuda bowed his head and the others followed, so Ienzo did too. “We’d like to give thanks to the gods for the meal we’re about to receive, and to give thanks for welcoming our son back safely home along with his new friend.” He said something in a language Ienzo could not understand, and Riku and Mariko both repeated it. “Alright, let’s eat.”

Everything was delicious and so  _ interesting _ , not quite like anything he’d had before. He tried to remember the manners he’d been taught when he was young, but he noticed that all of them were even eating some of the dishes with their hands. “Everything is just wonderful,” he said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“Aren’t you sweet,” Mariko said. 

“...I like to pretend I’m something of a cook myself. Will you tell me a little bit about this?”

“Oh, don’t get her started,” Matsuda said.

Mariko told him all about islander cuisine and how it was prepared, down to the use of marinades, where their things were sourced, and on and on. Ienzo found it fascinating and wished he could write it down. “I’d be happy to share some of the recipes with you. Not all of it, though. Some of it’s secret.” She winked.

Ienzo wanted to keep eating, but he was already getting full and he’d been warned there was dessert. “I see.”

“What is it like where you’re from?” Matsuda asked. 

“Riku’s kept it very hush-hush. Very mysterious,” Mariko said, approvingly. 

“Oh… well, Radiant Garden isn’t all that special,” he said, thinking of how overwhelmed he’d felt on the island streets. Perhaps they would feel the same if they ever came to visit. 

“Must be special enough if our boy’s going out of his way to see you,” his father said, though his tone was teasing.

“Matsu,” Mariko said. “Don’t embarrass the boy.”

Riku rolled his eyes a little. “Well,” Ienzo said. “For one, it’s quite a lot cooler there.” He told them a little bit about what the weather was like, about how the town was. He tried to not mention that Ansem had once been king, just that he was a scientist in the castle and that Ienzo had grown up there.

“A  _ castle _ ,” Matsuda said, whistling. “Fancy.”

“Ah--not quite. Our world fell to darkness, quite like yours. So bits of it are in disrepair.” He didn’t mention Riku’s assistance there, not sure of the situation with his parents. “Coming here and seeing all these family homes has been quite refreshing.”

“So what is it you do?” Matsuda asked. “Do you go to school? Or work?”

Ienzo swallowed and took a sip of the pink drink. He drank so rarely that he feared he was a bit tipsy. “I’m a scientist, and a researcher,” he said slowly. “My main project lately has been restoration of the library’s collections.” A glamorous phrase for what he was actually doing.

“What is it you study?”

He blinked. “Well, historically, hearts. The metaphysical hearts in us all. But I’ve studied a fair share of lots of fields along the way.”

“Hearts. How romantic,” Mariko said.

“Ienzo’s work was actually instrumental in helping Kairi and I find Sora,” Riku said. 

“I wouldn’t go that far,” he murmured.

“Oh, don’t be modest, you helped bring him back to us. For that, you’ll always be welcome here,” his mother said. 

Ienzo blushed and looked back down at his plate. 

“Are you boys ready for dessert?”

Hours later, more stuffed with food than Ienzo could comprehend, Riku gently pried them from the table. Both of his parents kept asking all sorts of questions about Radiant Garden, about Ienzo, about how they’d met (this caused quite an awkward moment). Riku just said they’d met when he was looking for Sora and only got to know each other later. Ienzo was a bit drunk and a bit dehydrated and definitely tired. 

“Mari, we should let the poor boys sleep before you keep them up all night,” Riku’s father said at last.

“Please at least let me help with the dishes,” Ienzo said. He could only imagine what it must look like in the kitchen with all this food.

“I absolutely will not,” Mariko said. “You’re a guest, and you’re exhausted. Go on, get settled.  _ Get. _ ”

“Thank you,” he said softly, and followed Riku back to the apartment. 

The room was mostly dark; Riku flicked on the lamp. “How are you holding up?”

“So full I could burst,” Ienzo said. “But that was… lovely.”

“I’m sorry if they made you uncomfortable.”

“No, they didn’t. Not really. I’m…” How to put this without sounding pathetic. “I’ve never really… seen or taken part in such normal life.”

“No?”

“I was raised by five scientists in a lab. Sitting and having such an extensive home cooked meal was not a common occurrence.” He offered a smile. “Nor were either of the castles so homey.”

“Oh…”

“Don’t pity me,” Ienzo said gently. “That is just to say this all feels a bit foreign. You must be exhausted. You had a much longer day than I did.”

“The carbs don’t help,” he said.

“Is there… perhaps… some place I can shower?”

“Right--oh, of course, the bathroom’s through there. Do you need anything?”

“...Just a towel.” He dug into his duffle for his toiletries and pajamas. 

Riku handed him one from a cabinet. “You can hang it on the door when you’re done.”

“...Thanks.”

After a cold, cold shower Ienzo felt a bit better. Riku had already changed and was sitting on his bed, braiding his hair. “If I don’t sleep with it like this it ends up a mess of knots.”

“...I see.” He identified the strangeness he was feeling--the odd intimacy of sleeping in someone else’s house, seeing them getting ready for something as mundane as bed. 

“You wanna watch some TV?”

“I really am exhausted,” he said. “Maybe tomorrow?” Perhaps by then he’d feel curious.

He smiled. “Sure. Of course. Let me… let me know if you need any more pillows or blankets.”

“I sincerely think I won’t need more blankets,” Ienzo said. He sat down on the made-up soda. It was actually quite comfortable.

“Good night, Ienzo.”

“Good night, Riku.”

The light clicked off.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their first night on the islands, Ienzo and Riku can't sleep. Some truths come to light.

Ienzo only slept heavily for about an hour or two. He woke, disoriented, in the dark, because the texture of his bed was wrong and also in the wrong direction. He was also desperate to pee, which was definitely what had woken him up, and he cursed his decision to try to rehydrate immediately before sleeping. 

The room wasn’t quite dark even at night, moonlight pouring through the curtains next to Riku’s bed. He made his way over to the bathroom as quietly as he could, took care of it, and inched his way back, wincing when the spring in the sofa creaked loudly. 

He vainly hoped he would be able to fall asleep soon after, but that proved not to be the case. His body was still on Radiant Garden time, after all, and there it was probably early morning. The sofa was comfortable enough, but it was also foreign.

_ All _ of this was foreign.

Cars. TVs. The food, the etiquette, the homes.

The family.

He looked up at the ceiling. It was also hot in here, and even under the one sheet he was sweating. Seeing Riku’s family, his very normal, loving parents and his very normal, loving life--

Ienzo had not realized just how abnormal his own life was until that moment. He hadn’t internalized it. He could’ve  _ had _ something like that, his own parents embarrassingly ribbing him about bringing home a new partner, and welcoming them with open arms. Instead, he’d had Ansem, loving but ultimately too busy to provide what he needed, and Even, who similarly showed his care through being strict and unyielding. And the others, who hadn’t sat him down and showed him right from wrong, who  _ let _ him do those awful things because he was so “brilliant”. 

He realized he was quite angry, and equally, quite sad.  _ Who would I have been if I were normal? _ Was Ansem right, that not all of this was his fault?

His mind was spinning too hard to let him fall back to sleep, and it was too hot in here, and honestly he felt a little bit sick to his stomach. The food had all been delicious, but it was richer than what Ienzo was used to, and didn’t sit right. He was aware of time passing in that strange way it did when one was unable to sleep, and gradually, he became aware of Riku, also tossing and turning on his bed.

Possibly he was a bit jet-lagged as well.

Ienzo sat up slowly.

Riku blinked wearily. “Sorry, did I wake you?” he asked.

“No, I was up. It’s morning according to my body.” He offered a smile. “That, and I’m not very good at this “sleeping” thing.”

“Me either,” Riku said. “I never really was.”

“I didn’t know you had insomnia,” he said.

“Sometimes I can’t stop thinking, even if I’m so tired I’m sore.”

“Me either.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Normalcy.”

Riku sat up. He patted the bed next to him. “No point in us shouting at each other across the room if neither of us is going to sleep.”

“...Right.” Ienzo crossed the room and sat at the foot of the bed. The mattress was a bit firm. He pulled his legs up under him and hoped his scar wasn’t obvious in this light. “That, and it still feels quite warm to me.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Riku summoned some magic in his palms and threw a blizzard spell into the room, immediately making it ten times more comfortable. “That should last a few hours. I’m used to it here, I can’t tell if you’re overheating.”

“Better,” he said. “Thank you.”

“...You were talking about normalcy?”

“Ah. Right.” He swallowed. “I… didn’t grow up like you, in a house with parents who twitter over my every need. Perhaps to you it feels overbearing… but for the first time I’m thinking about what I might have missed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. No, I think these are thoughts I need to have,” he said. “For so long I was convinced that the things I had done were my fault and my fault alone. But if I had been allowed to grow up normally…”

“Would you have made those same decisions?” Riku asked softly. “Right.”

“So I think the change of scenery will be helpful. ...And your mother’s cooking will make me quite fat.”

He chuckled, but then his expression darkened. “I mean, I grew up normally, but I still did what I did.”

Ienzo bit his lip, cursing his lack of tact. “You also had a heart of darkness stoking you, though. If it had not encouraged you--”

“It’s okay, Ienzo. I accept I’ve made those mistakes. I’m… not okay with it, but I’m moving on.” He smiled. 

“Seems I’m a few steps behind you.”

“It’s not a race.”

“I guess not.” There were a few beats of silence, but they were companionable. 

“Have you ever thought about leaving Radiant Garden?” Riku asked. “Or even that castle?”

His eyebrows rose.

“You know, get a place of your own? Learn to be a person?”

“Well I… I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I still have to… figure out how to atone.”

“Maybe learning how to be your own person can help that more than just looking for busywork to do in the castle.”

Ienzo did not know how to process that thought.

“Sorry if that was overstepping.”

“It wasn’t,” he said, looking at his moonlight-stained hands. “It just… never occurred to me that was something I can do. That that would help. But… I think you’re right.”

“Maybe I am.”

Ienzo nodded slowly. 

The conversation drifted from there, as Ienzo pondered that thought, to the things they might do tomorrow, the people they might see, once the hour was decent. Riku thought a simpler day of going around town might be better, as they were both jet-lagged and sure to be exhausted. Somehow, someway… the conversation became a hum, became nothing, and suddenly Ienzo was waking up.

In Riku’s bed. Curled up next to him, actually.

He jerked a little, scrambling to give him personal space, but the quick movement only woke him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to--”

He blinked, fuzzy, some of his hair having pulled out of his braid in the night. “Were you--”

“I fell asleep. On top of you. I don’t remember how--” He hadn’t deliberately oriented himself that way.

“When you were half asleep I tried to get you to lay down. But I was also half asleep, so I didn’t realize I put you next to me,” he said. “I might’ve accidentally cuddled you in the night. I’m sorry. Did that cross a line?”

“No,” he said. Thinking about it, it was like some pain had eased in him, just slightly. He had to get used to being touched. “No, I… I think I liked it.”

He looked a bit sheepish. “To be fair, we’re both awake now. You can see if you actually do.”

Ienzo flushed. “You’re a softie, aren’t you?”

“...Maybe.”

Ienzo eased a little closer to him and Riku pulled him close. He rested his head against Riku’s neck, his heart beating fast. People did this all the time, he reminded himself. It took a beat too long for him to actually relax into the embrace, the gentle comfort of it. He wasn’t used to this, the contact, another body so close to his. Almost tentatively, Riku reached up to stroke his hair, and Ienzo shuddered.

“Is that too much?”

“It feels good,” he admitted, almost embarrassed. He let his eyes fall shut, and gradually the shaking stopped. He hoped Riku’s hand didn’t stray lower than his scalp, lest he accidentally touch the scar and realize. Ienzo knew it was only a matter of time, but aside from collared shirts he had no way of hiding it--chokers were an absolute  _ no _ . Or if his hips pressed a little harder against Ienzo’s he’d also be able to guess at that situation. But as much as Ienzo tried to will himself to put distance between them, he couldn’t. He was so tired of holding everyone at arm’s length. Ienzo wrapped an arm around his waist.

They held each other for a long time, long enough for him to stop feeling anxious and to start feeling sleepy. Riku kissed the part of his hair. Slowly, Ienzo looked up. He wasn’t sure which of them moved first or if it mattered. They were kissing, gently, unhurriedly, flooding Ienzo with warmth. Riku’s grip on him tightened. 

Oh.

This felt different, too, than the kisses they’d had in the past. It was a bit less timid, a bit  _ hotter _ , and the attraction Ienzo felt for him, long compartmentalized, came bleeding out. He kissed Riku back harder, felt him respond equally, a small sound catching in his throat, a sound that gave Ienzo a totally new thrill. This was new, this was unexplored, but for once the sensation overwhelming him was a positive one. He felt electric, he felt--

Turned on?

As soon as his attention was drawn to that part of his body, Ienzo’s joy was dented by an unpleasant wave of dysphoria. It wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t be  _ right _ , to lead him on only to bait and switch what would be  _ used _ \--he pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” Riku asked. “Did I push you too far?”

Ienzo sat up and wrapped his arms around himself. He hated that he could  _ still _ feel it, almost a  _ throbbing _ \-- “No,” he said. “No, I liked it.”

“So... what happened?”

He took a deep breath. “I have to tell you something.”

He frowned, his face tight with concern. 

“I… I’m…” So much for eloquence. “Transgender?”

“Oh,” he said, utterly nonplussed. “Alright. Cool.”

“And…” He realized he was curled up, cupping his throat. “For the… for the most part medicine and magic made me comfortable with myself, but… this is uncharted territory, and the… transformation was… not complete in that sense, if you catch my drift, I was told it could be imperfect--” He was babbling, not at all the measured way he’d hoped to confess this.

He turned towards him. “I… think I do, yeah.”

“I didn’t realize feeling things would cause me discomfort.”

“Physically? Ienzo, we don’t have to get physical.” He cocked his head. “Like, it’s fine.”

“I know so little about how it actually feels,” he mumbled. “I…  _ like _ this, I don’t want to stop, but I feel like… you should know.”

He took Ienzo’s hand. “Thank you,” he said. “It’s okay with me. It’s all okay.”

“You’re not…” He forced himself to spit out “disgusted.”

“No.” He furrowed his brows. “Why… why would I be?”

“Expecting one thing and getting another,” he said, his face  _ on fire. _

Riku blinked. “I can’t pretend I understand what your experience has been like,” he said. “But being with someone has been new to both of us. I want both of us to… feel good, and be comfortable. You being like this doesn’t change anything.”

“Oh,” Ienzo said, and he realized he was relieved more than anything. “Yes.”

“I mean, if the same were true for me, you wouldn’t think anything wrong with it, right?”

“That’s true.”

“Exactly.” He pulled his legs up under him. “Can I ask you a few questions?”

He tried to unfurl. “...Alright.”

“When did you know?”

“I was quite small. Before, even, I was adopted by Ansem. That name and pronouns just felt… wrong. Along with all the feminine stereotypes. Ansem let me transition, socially, legally, when I was just six years old. So for the most part the dysphoria stays fairly quiet.”

“You said something about it being… imperfect?”

The blush returned. “The recovery would’ve been grueling and there’s no guarantee there would be… full sensation.”

“ _ Oh." _ He also turned red. "Sorry if that was too personal.”

“No, it’s okay. You’re just curious.” He cleared his throat. “I have to admit it seems to be a fairly personal choice for all trans people.”

“Have you… met anyone else?”

Ienzo thought. “I can’t say I have,” he admitted. “Then again, quite literally, I do not know many people in general. You’re one of the only people my age I have a consistent relationship with.”

Riku was silent for a moment, then, reddening further, “I’m sorry, but that means it’s… is it possible for you to-- um… have a, have a baby?”

Ienzo blinked. He knew  _ why _ Riku was asking him this. “Well, the odds are incredibly, incredibly slim. I’d say less than one percent.”

“Got it. Sorry.”

“No, it’s… it’s a good thing to know.” He lowered his hand from his throat at last. The morning sun was slowly getting brighter. 

Riku laughed once, awkwardly, and Ienzo did too, the worst of the tension slowly fading. But then… he saw Riku starting at his throat, his head slightly cocked. “What’s--”

A stab of anxiety made it hard to breathe. Well, better to rip off the bandaid all at once. “A scar.” He leaned a little into the light, to let him see it. Nobody had seen this before.

“From--” His eyes widened. “Oh. Oh no. Oh.”

Ienzo swallowed, feeling a painful lump.

“He--” He took a shocked breath. “He did that to you?”

“Yes,” Ienzo said slowly.

“No wonder you were so scared. No wonder…”

“I’m alright now. More or less.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No. Not at all.” Riku looked horrified. Ienzo knew what the scar looked like it implied. “It was the darkness that caused the scarring. Not… the act itself.”

He shook his head. 

Ienzo cleared his throat. “Those are all the secrets I have for today.” He tried to smile. 

Riku seemed to gather himself. “Of course yeah. Um. You hungry? You want… coffee?”

“Coffee sounds… very good.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ienzo and Riku try to learn how to be a couple, and take their relationship to a new level.
> 
> CW for a character experiencing dysphoria.

Fussing with the small coffee machine in his apartment, Riku tried to process what had happened.

He’d known his replica had killed Zexion. He hadn’t thought it would be so  _ brutal. _ Ienzo’s panic from back then made even more sense. Even if Nobodies couldn’t feel, that moment had to have been terrifying, even worse because  _ Ienzo remembered it. _ Even though Riku knew it wasn’t his fault, he felt a wave of guilt for what his likeness had done anyway. He wondered if on a psychological level Ienzo permanently associated that with him. 

The gender thing was no big deal; he just hoped it didn’t hinder his ability to get to understand Ienzo. He hadn’t had  _ plans _ for going that far when inviting him here (it’d just been a not-so-distant fantasy); he figured if something happened, it happened, if it didn’t, whatever.

But the kissing  _ had _ been awfully nice.

His hand shook as he measured out the coffee. In the moment he’d struggled against getting hard, and the conversation after had mostly killed that notion. But thinking of it again, and the notion of  _ more _ , made him dizzy.

It should not be difficult to make a pot of coffee. He turned it on at last. 

_ If _ things went further, and that was a big  _ if _ … he thought of that “less than one percent,” and found himself strangely grateful that his father had slipped him a box of condoms when he heard Ienzo was coming to stay. (“Better safe than sorry,” he’d said, with a cheeky grin, as Riku had tried to vanish into nothing.) “You’re lucky, I actually have the good stuff right now,” Riku said to Ienzo, who was looking out the window. “Mom brought home two cans of kona from the store. I was subsiding off of instant.”

“Oh that will not do,” Ienzo said. “No significant other of mine is going to drink  _ instant coffee. _ ” He shuddered.

“Hey, as long as it gets the job done.”

“ _ No. _ ” The banter was a bit too light after the conversation they’d just had. 

"We can grab breakfast in the house, or we can go out."

"Whichever is easiest."

"Depends on whether you feel like dealing with my mom first thing." He handed Ienzo a cup.

Ienzo's smile was small and nervous. "Is she a morning person?"

He groaned. "Too much. Leaps out of bed singing."

"I envy that cheerfulness."

"It's better we're up early. We can do something before it gets hot, and then later after the peak."

"Peak heat?"

He nodded. "I can handle it, but I think it might be a bit much for you."

"...I'll say. So did you have plans?"

"I figured I'd show you the island. And then later if you want we can go down to the beach, or I could see what Sora and Kairi are doing. It's okay if you just want it to be us, too."

Ienzo smiled. "If tonight is a repeat of last night, we'll have plenty of time to talk later."

He blew on the coffee. "...And this morning?"

"...Maybe if you're a good tour guide."

He tried to swallow the flush of want.  _ Play it cool. _ "Always pushing me to word harder."

They got ready for the day and went down into the house. Riku was unused to seeing Ienzo in casual clothes, especially summer ones. 

Mariko was watching the morning news. "Oh, good morning," she said. "I didn't expect you two up so soon. Let me make something--"

Riku held up a hand. "I think I can handle breakfast, mom, you relax."

"Did you sleep well, sweetie?" She asked Ienzo. "I told Riku you might be more comfortable on the pullout in the den--"

Riku snorted and opened the fridge. "Mom, you've never tried to sleep on that thing. It's eighty percent springs. When Sora and Kairi stayed over they slept on it," Riku explained.

"Oh, it as adorable, the three of them used to fall asleep cuddling, I think I have a photo of that somewhere--"

The humor drained from Riku's face. " _ Mom." _

Mariko got up and pulled an album off of a bookshelf. "Here we go."

Ienzo smirked and went to take a look. Riku glared at him. 

"Found the one. Aren't they so sweet?"

The photo was at least ten years old and appeared to have been taken in secret, from the door of the den, which was a dark, cozy little room. Ienzo saw their three little heads and a sea of blankets. Asleep, Riku looked so… peaceful. "...As you said. Sweet."

"I'm so glad Riku has friends like them. He's such a shy, reserved boy. He needs someone to get him out of his head sometimes." She smiled.

"Ienzo, how do you take your eggs?" Riku asked tersely. 

"However you're making them for yourself is fine," he said. 

"I was intrigued to find out he was seeing someone. You seem a lot alike, from what I can see. Sometimes I think those two are  _ too _ cheerful." She patted his shoulder. 

"You must love him very much."

"Of course I do," she said. "He was our miracle. I… didn't think I could have any."

"Oh, I see." He glanced over at Riku, frying their breakfast. 

"You'll take care of him, won't you?" She asked.

Ienzo smiled. "I'll try my very best."

After breakfast, Riku tried to get going before it got too hot. Already the cicadas were chirping. "So this island isn't the only one," he said to Ienzo. "There are a dozen, but people only really live on the biggest four. This is the smallest of those."

"Do you travel between?" Ienzo asked. 

"You can take a ferry. The hospital's on the biggest island, and the university and capitol, all that stuff. But, like I said, mostly everything we need is here. We can go one day, if you'd like."

"I think I would. Is that where the dreaded social services is?"

Riku groaned. "Yes.  _ Please _ don't make me go there."

Ienzo chuckled. "Even  _ I _ am not that boring."

They walked down the main road into town. There was a small market which was just opening, a few restaurants, the bar, other shops and things. The school was up on a hill, children in uniforms already queuing up at the gates. Riku noticed Ienzo eyeing them curiously, and with something like apprehension. 

“What was it like?” he asked Riku.

He frowned. “What?”

“School.”

He blinked. 

“I was… tutored by the other apprentices instead of receiving a formal education. I have a vague idea of the notion from books, but no experience. So what was it like for you?”

“Oh… well…” Riku tried to come up with a way of summarizing it. “They kind of… split it up into parts. Preschool, kindergarten, primary and secondary school, and then university.” He explained about grades, subjects, class periods. Ienzo had a lot of questions about extracurriculars. “I didn’t really do those, though some years Sora made me do sports.” His high school self would’ve rather spent all his time angsting about the small life he was destined to lead. “Most of the time, unless you had a really good teacher, it’s… pretty boring. I bet you’d find it dead easy.”

“Possibly,” Ienzo murmured, looking back out onto the road ahead.

Riku was silent for a time too. He realized for the first time that Ienzo had spent  _ ten years _ in the Organization, meaning he’d been… well,  _ little _ when he’d become a Nobody. Riku thought of all the experiences he’d taken for granted--or, in fact, even dreaded, loathed. School. Birthday parties. Holidays. Trips to the beach. Time with family and friends and people his own age. And Riku had thought that happy life was  _ suffocating, small. _ He tried to offer Ienzo a smile and took his hand. 

The day was getting warmer, and while Ienzo didn’t say anything, Riku saw the sweat running down his face, so he suggested they go back. They got some shaved ice from a cafe. “It’s not sea salt, but it’ll do,” Ienzo said, with only some of his previous energy.

“...Are you okay?” Riku asked.

“...I’m…” He pushed his small spoon deeper into his cup. “This is normal, Riku. You lived so  _ normally. _ ”

“...I was thinking about that, when we were walking. I didn’t realize… just how much you missed.”

“I don’t think I did either.” He frowned. “Even when I did reconnaissance on other worlds, and  _ saw _ people doing these things… it was always as an outsider, a perpetrator. I didn’t… get to sit under an umbrella and eat dessert.” He swallowed. “I didn’t get to talk to people’s mothers and see people’s baby pictures, or go to school, or make  _ friends. _ Even would think I’m pathetic for  _ wanting _ that. They always…” Mushing the ice harder. “They praised me for my academic work, and they were always too  _ busy _ to pay any attention to me that any sort of positive reinforcement made me almost compulsively try to please them. And I didn’t think about how much of  _ me _ that was until now.”

Riku wasn’t sure what to say other than “I’m sorry.” If he hadn’t come, he wouldn’t be this uncomfortable.

“No, Riku. No, don’t say sorry.” He took Riku’s hand. “If anything, I should be thanking you. I never noticed… how tied my hands were, back then. And it doesn’t make it better, but… I think I understand… why I felt so compelled to do wrong, because they told me it was right.”

He scraped the last bit of syrup from the bottom of the paper cup. “You never told me exactly what happened. I… have ideas, but I’m not sure.”

His eyes darkened.

“If you’re not ready to tell me--”

Ienzo looked up. “What were your ideas?”

He sighed. “I saw some of the reports Ansem, Seeker of Darkness left behind. Stuff about… human experimentation on hearts.” He lowered his voice further. “That he suggested you do all these awful things to learn more about them.”

“...Yes. That is true. It started… with a focus on memory, to help Xehanort--who we now know was Xehanort in Terra’s body--reclaim his memory, because he was an amnesiac. That led to the discovery that memory is stored in the heart, and from there on, the scientific vigor only helped him stoke the darkness in each and every one of us. There’s… more to it, of course, but that’s the gist.”

He sighed. “Look, what happened then isn’t going to change how I feel about you. You know the horrible things I did, too. The important thing is… we’re both trying to be better people.”

He smiled wearily. “Yes,” he said. 

They headed back to the house. Riku’s mom had gone to visit a friend, leaving them virtually alone in the house. “Want to watch TV?”

“...Sure.”

Ienzo seemed tickled by the notion of what it actually was. “I’m  _ dying _ to learn more about how this is all broadcast,” he said. “It’s radio signal, right? The screen itself just seems like a computer monitor.”

Riku laughed. “No idea. You might want to ask my dad. His job does that sort of thing.”

“And it’s all just… for entertainment?”

He settled back on the chaise of the pullout couch. “Pretty much. And information, like the news. You guys don’t have anything?”

“There  _ used _ to be films played publicly, like the ones in Twilight Town,” Ienzo said, settling down next to him. “And we have recorded music, and the like, and now we  _ sort of _ have an equivalent of your internet. See,  _ internet, _ I can understand how that works, but this, I’m missing pieces.” He frowned, a bit petulant, and Riku couldn’t help but smile.

“‘Fraid I’m a bit useless when it comes to science,” he said. “Maybe I should take you to our library.”

Ienzo’s eyebrows shot up. “Perhaps you shouldn’t. You wouldn’t ever see me again.”

“...Just let me know when “I don’t know” becomes a repetitive response.” He offered him the remote. “You pick something.”

“There’re multiple things?”

“Whole channels. It’s all part of the cable package. It’s mostly ads now, though.”

“ _ Fascinating,” _ he said. He was sitting forward on the couch cushion, flicking through channels, his head slightly cocked. Riku  _ really _ wanted him to lean back so they could cuddle, but he didn’t push it. “There’s so much content.”

“My dad says too much.”

He kept flipping. “Somehow not much of it is interesting.”

Riku laughed. “Not usually.”

He let out a long breath. Ienzo settled on a documentary, which Riku didn’t particularly find interesting either, but he just let Ienzo watch in fascination. After a few minutes he finally leaned back, and Riku so tentatively put an arm around his shoulders. 

* * *

They watched the programs for a few hours. All of these people leading ordinary lives, or fictional lives. Yet something else Ienzo knew nothing about. He found the medium intriguing, its pacing, the way images were edited together. Even the advertisements, which Riku largely ignored, told him more about Destiny Islands than a crash course would. He knew they were fake, deliberately meant to sell a service or a thing, but considering the closest Radiant Garden got were flyers, it was interesting.

By the time the day had “cooled” enough to go back out, Riku suggested they might go to the beach.

The swimsuit material felt strange against his skin. He had a swim shirt which thankfully was high enough to cover the scar, and even better, seemed to be fairly common. Riku had put a shirt on for the moment, and Ienzo found himself hyperfixating on what would happen when they got to the beach, if he would take it off, and the earlier unrestrained wanting he’d felt seemed as though it would burst out of his skin.

There weren’t as many people at the beach as Ienzo thought. He saw groups of friends, a few families, couples ( _ other _ couples, he thought), people running, dogs. They set down their towels and bag of snacks.

“You… know how to swim, right?” Riku asked.

“I’m not  _ that _ sheltered,” he said wryly, taking off his sneakers. It had felt odd walking down here without socks, the texture strange against his bare feet. He remembered doing recon at beaches, running his hands through the sand to check for mineral composition. But he hadn’t once stuck his feet in the water--that would be a waste of time. Lazy. Best to get a job done quickly and efficiently and get back as soon as possible, back to his books and experiments. His heart caught in his throat when Riku pulled off his shirt, and he couldn’t quite stop himself from staring, suddenly feeling inadequate. 

Riku noticed this and blushed. “Are you coming?”

“...Right. Yes.”

The water was warmer than he might have thought, but still felt good in the heat. Ienzo sighed a little.

Riku leaned back into the waves, and he caught sight again of his bare chest, tanned from the sun. “...You’d think you’d never seen a person shirtless before,” he teased. 

“Of course I have,” he said, trying to be blithe. “You are just… quite striking. It’s disarming.” He let his knees fold, the water supporting him. Giving into something like this was soothing, and more than that, a  _ relief. _ Feelings pulsed around him like the tide. He wanted to grab him right now and kiss him and never let go. 

“...I wish I could see you.” He said it so quietly that it was almost inaudible over the waves.

Ienzo stumbled over his words. “I’d have a  _ lot _ of explaining to do if someone saw  _ this _ .” He touched the collar of his shirt, the wet spandex squishing slightly. “But…” He swallowed. “Perhaps I can be…  _ persuaded _ , later.”

It was the boldest thing either of them had said, and it settled between them. “Don’t tease me,” Riku said. “We just got here but you make me want to take you back home.”

“Were it not for the weather, I would say… yes, absolutely. But as it is… I think I’m comfortable for the first time all day.” He wasn’t insecure about his chest, but he was aware in this case one thing could lead to another. Were either of them prepared for that, emotionally? Ienzo tried to imagine him seeing it, touching it or lower still. The thought alone made him dizzy, blunted by the uneven  _ clack _ of dysphoria.

Would it be so bad, to be swept away, to eschew the safety of plans? To see how he really felt about it all?

Ienzo looked over at him. They had a chance at a normal life, a normal relationship. He could, quite feasibly, move on. It seemed strange to even consider.

Riku took his hand and, so gently, led them into deeper water.

* * *

After a dinner of yesterday's leftovers, they went back upstairs. Riku's parents' weren't home. "I guess mom must've asked dad to drop by at the friend's after work. That happens a lot." His face was still red. 

"I see." He felt the sea salt against his skin, but he felt surprisingly clean. "How nice."

"They're both social butterflies. I think it confuses them they ended up with me."

"You prefer your own company?"

"Most of the time."

"Me too."

A few beats. Riku'd cooled the room down, but Ienzo was still sweating. "Oof, you got a little burned," Riku said, touching his cheek. "I'll fix it when the burn settles."

"And I was  _ religious _ with the cream." He sighed. 

"It's the salt. Fries like meat." He chuckled, and Ienzo did too, because neither of them knew how to properly initiate this, so he let bygones be bygones and just kissed him. 

Riku hadn't bothered to put his shirt back on after the beach, so Ienzo could  _ feel _ some of that skin under his hands, that muscle, strong from all of the fighting. He let his hands run down his back, pulling him as close as he dared. "Come here," Riku said. "Come here, just--" leading him to the bed. He sat and trailed his hands down Ienzo's waist, bringing with them goosebumps and an almost painful want. Ienzo tried to will himself not to feel guilt for feeling this, for wanting this. "Do you think I could--" Tugging at the hem of the swim shirt.

He took a deep breath. "Yes."

Part of him wondered if this was too fast. But he remembered they'd been together for nearly a  _ year _ , a year of letters, of longing, of not letting himself feel, and feeling the shirt pull off of his skin Ienzo caved entirely. 

"I...I'm afraid I'm not nearly as in shape as you," he murmured. Riku was looking at him almost with a sort of  _ reverence _ , trailing his hand gently down across his chest, his nipple, along his waist. 

"I think you're beautiful."

He didn't know what to say in response. He was shaking. He sat down next to him. 

Riku cocked his head slightly. "...Do you think I could…" reaching up towards the scar. "Would that be…"

He leaned a little more into the dying light, so he could see it. He wondered if the notion of Riku touching it would be triggering, would break this brief respite of peace. "...Gently. Not with your whole hand."

He listened, brushing one trembling finger across it, and Ienzo jerked. "I'm sorry--"

Tears rushed into his eyes. "No," he said softly. 

"What's wrong?"

Riku wasn't the replica. Riku wouldn't hurt him; Ienzo wasn't sure he was capable. This relief, this last safeguard, gave way. "It feels good," he admitted, trying not to cry. "It feels--"

He came still closer and kissed the tears from his face. "Hey. It's okay."

He took a shaky breath. This wasn't just casual anymore, Ienzo realized. Maybe it never was. Riku kissed him along his jaw, then tentatively lower, and lower still, until he was kissing the scar itself, and Ienzo thought his heart might burst open. The same feeling from this morning was back, though yet stronger, but for some reason Riku's utter  _ acceptance  _ of his body was helping him push through the worst of the dysphoria. "That feels…"

"Is it alright?"

"Yes." Ienzo shifted his weight, easing him down onto the bed more fully. Riku's hands trailed down his back, over his ass, hugging him tightly to his chest. Pressed this close, Ienzo felt his hard dick through the thin swimsuit, his own body responding in term.

Riku thought he was beautiful. Riku was turned on by him. Enough restraint. His hands snapped up to that hair, at last, at last getting it between his fingers, and despite the salt making it a bit dry it felt even softer than he thought. He struggled to find the hair tie, pulling it free, burying his hands in the mass. Another small sound caught in Riku's throat. 

They kept kissing. Ienzo shifted his weight, pressing up against him more fully, and feeling his dick so  _ near-- _ he took a shaky breath, pulling away. 

"What's wrong?" Riku asked.

A tremor passed through him. "Listen, I'm willing to… to try."

"You mean…?"

"Something, I don't know, but I…" This felt so awkward to admit. "I  _ want _ you?"

He shuddered. 

"This all feels like so much."

"Yes. Yes," he said, and kissed him again. "Will you… let me touch you?"

A prerequisite. He could see if he could handle it. Ienzo nodded. Riku kissed him again, more slowly, and probably as a distraction. Ienzo felt his hand pass down along his hip, and up along his inner thighs. He touched him clumsily, almost curiously, and Ienzo had to remind himself that this was all new for Riku too. Ienzo wanted more, wanted everything, wanted the part of his mind that kept pointing out this was indeed not a dick to just shut up. He pressed a little harder against his hand and fumbled to reach down with his own. “Could I--”

“You don’t have to ask at this point,” he admitted in a strained voice. It still took Ienzo a moment of steeling his nerve before he was able to touch it directly, hearing him make a small, beautiful noise. All he felt through the fabric was heat and hardness, and when he reached up to slip off Riku’s swimsuit he didn’t resist, only tugged at Ienzo’s own.

Oh.

This wasn’t how he expected today to go, but he found he didn’t mind. He felt another spasm of nerves when Riku  _ actually _ started touching him, trying to figure him out, and responded in turn.

Ienzo almost felt disembodied, but all too embodied, feeling his dick too, strangely responsive to his touch. They stroked each other in a sort of mystified silence for what seemed like a long time. Ienzo kept _almost_ feeling pleasure, but he couldn’t provide much guidance himself, as he usually avoided touching here. And honestly this sensation of desire was so new, so _alien._ _Maybe it’s in the water,_ he mused, hearing Riku breathe his name.

Ienzo realized he  _ wanted _ to know what it was all about. He couldn’t catch his breath. “Do you--want to--”

“I really do.” With his hair loose around him, his face flushed, Ienzo had barely seen something so beautiful. 

“I brought something in my bag, I just have to--” He’d only gotten them out of an abundance of caution. 

“I… have some too,” Riku said, as though embarrassed. 

“Better to… have and not need, I suppose,” Ienzo said, his heart hammering. “Okay, where--”

“The… top dresser drawer?”

Shakily, he got up, trying not to be aware of how naked he was and also how  _ wet _ . “One would think you brought me all this way just for this.”

He was breathless. Ienzo just barely saw his dick for the first time, and another shudder passed through him. “Like you… said. Better to be prepared.”

He found the small box, still sealed, next to a pair of wrist braces. Tremblingly, he peeled it open and tore one from the rest. Ienzo knew how to do this  _ in theory _ \--he’d given himself a sex ed crash course as a teenage Nobody--but he never thought he’d actually ever so do with someone else. Hadn’t felt the need.

That was what this felt like-- _ need _ . He straddled Riku, trying to appear cool, calm,  _ confident _ , but couldn’t quite quell the shaking in his hand as he gently rolled it onto him. “Are you sure about this?” Riku asked.

“I’m sure about you.” He took a deep breath. “Are  _ you _ sure?”

“I just want to feel good with you.”

“Alright.” He swallowed. “Can you help me--”

“Oh. Right.” He chuckled a little.

It wasn’t easy, or spontaneous. They both had to sort of use their hands to guide the tip inside of him, and Ienzo tried to smother the dysphoria that wanted to come. He didn’t think that Riku was necessarily larger than average, but he felt a pinch of pain, a stretch, and couldn’t stop himself from wincing.

“A-are you--”

“I’m alright,” he said, in a voice that sounded like the opposite. “I just…” Forcing a laugh. “I’ve never had much of anything in here. Give me a minute.” 

He did, resting his hands on Ienzo’s hips and clearly trying not to show that it felt good for him. Ienzo wished for that ease of pleasure, that comfort. At least the pain was fading. He leaned forward a bit more, found that more comfortable. Riku kissed him across his shoulder, his scar. Ienzo tried moving, gently, unsure if this would trigger pain again, and heard Riku moan. “What does that feel like?” he asked, partially out of curiosity, partially to distract himself.

He seemed to struggle to respond, his hips straining a bit against Ienzo’s. “Warm,” he said. “Just kind of… tight.” He gasped a little. 

He pressed against him a bit harder, wincing again at the ache, but it faded in a moment, and he was actually able to thrust against him with some degree of ease.  _ So this is sex, _ he thought. It was a bit bizarre. Riku kissed him, meeting him in an uneven sort of rhythm. Now that it was no longer hurting, it actually felt…  _ nice _ , sensorily. He thought he might dread the sensation of knowing a dick was inside that part of him. Ienzo found he liked this strange and unusual fullness, that it made him feel closer to him in a different way. Riku’s hands in his hair, along his waist, the way it sounded to hear him breathe and moan a little.

They kept trying for an unknown amount of time. Ienzo didn’t think it would take this long, thought that at some point he would feel something more than just  _ nice _ , or at least that Riku would. It was fun enough, easy enough, but not explosive and honestly not as hot as their previous making out. He wondered how much of that had to do with his dysphoria, and how much of that had to do with the fact that neither of them had done anything.

His thighs were starting to cramp from the quasi-kneeling, quasi-lying position he was in, and his sunburns were feeling hot and achy now. All of the emotion and sensation had drained him, made him exhausted. “I’m… I’m sorry,” he said. “My legs are starting to hurt.”

Riku’s eyes slit open. “We can stop, if you want.” 

“But do you feel… close?”

He came back to his senses. “It… it feels really good, but… no, I don’t think I am.”

“Oh. Alright.” There was a lump in his throat all of a sudden. He got off of him, shivering a little as it slid out, at a loss for what to do.  _ Go pee, _ he remembered from his readings, more dysphoria invading. “I’m going to… use the restroom.”

His expression was unreadable. He took off the (empty) condom, threw it away. Then, frowning, “Are you… are you okay?”

“What do you mean?”

He sat up a little, startled. “You’re bleeding--”

Ienzo looked down and saw a streak of blood running down his thigh. “Oh, god,” he said, an embarrassed flush flooding him. “This is… it’s possible, it happens.” He took a quick breath. “Sometimes when the hymen stretches, it… bleeds, I’m fine. I just need--” His anxiety was inflating.

Riku leapt off the bed and grabbed some paper towel. “Is this--will this be--”

Ienzo snatched it from him. He grabbed a clean pair of underwear from his bag and darted into the bathroom.

* * *

Ienzo was in the bathroom for a long time.

Riku waited, unsure of what to do with himself. His hair caught in the sweat on his skin. He cooled down the room again, nervous. He almost wanted to ask, but he didn’t want to push Ienzo’s discomfort more. He wondered if he’d hurt Ienzo more than he’d let on, if there was something he could’ve done differently, like finger him, or--or he should’ve just bought some lube as well, that might’ve helped--

Finally, Ienzo emerged, pale aside from sunburn, his eyes red. “It seems to have stopped,” he said in a low voice.

“Are you in pain?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt.” He sat down, gingerly, all of the joy gone from his face. 

“Do you want me to… I don’t know, go get you some--”

“I… don’t think I need any. But thank you.” He knotted his hands.

Riku scooted a little closer to him. “What’s wrong?”

He swallowed. “The whole time I kept getting… caught up in the notion of what exactly we were doing. I kept feeling so… conscious of my body.”

“I told you I don’t care about that.”

He smiled tiredly. “I know you don’t, but that doesn’t stop me from it.”

“I’m… sorry.”

“I’d just hoped…” He exhaled. “That I would get so overwhelmed I’d forget, or not care, but as it was  _ neither _ of us came.” His nostrils flared a little.

Riku pressed a kiss against his shoulder. “Did you think we’d instantly be good at it?”

“We were good at kissing fairly quickly.”

“Kissing isn’t so complicated.” He exhaled, resting his head against him.

“You’re… right. It  _ is  _ complicated, isn’t it? All along I thought it would feel natural.” He sighed, nervously. 

Riku had to agree there. “It might get easier if we keep trying,” he said. “And probably better. Being nervous doesn’t help.”

“...You have a point.”

“But if you’re too uncomfortable, we don’t have to do it. There are other things, or… nothing at all.”

Ienzo smiled tiredly. “An experiment for another day, I think.”

Riku sat up. “Here. Let me fix this.” He healed the sunburns that had bloomed angrily across his shoulders, his face. “...Your hair’s a mess.” He tried to smooth it down a little. 

“...I wonder whose fault that is. Though you’re not much better. I’m afraid I lost control of myself.” He touched a lock that had draped over Riku’s shoulders. “You know this was how I knew I was first attracted to you. I wanted nothing more than to touch it.”

He snorted. “Does it live up to the expectations?”

“I rather think so.”

“Why don’t you lay down? Relax a while?”

“It was a long day, wasn’t it?”

“Eventful.”

He finally eased back down. Riku drew him into his arms. He hadn’t really had expectations for the whole thing, though he did wish it had provided some form of relief. Ienzo pressed his face against his throat. He hadn’t expected it to go so far so fast, but it didn’t  _ feel  _ fast. They’d been apart such a long time.

“Maybe we could see your friends tomorrow?” Ienzo asked.

“Yeah. Sure. Sounds fun.”

He pulled him close, and neither of them said anything else. 


End file.
